The Hindu : Tamil Nadu News : When parents' indulgence becomes a liability

Online edition of India's National Newspaper
Tuesday, Apr 19, 2005

Tamil Nadu

Tamil Nadu

When parents' indulgence becomes a liability

Dhanya Parthasarathy

In the long run children fail to acquire the skills necessary for independent living Few modern parents seem to allow their children to face a problem and try their own solutions.

CHENNAI: As `indulgent' parents are everywhere, their children grow up unprepared for life, say psychologists.

Often their tagline is `I do not want my child to undergo the difficulties I went through growing up'. The child is shielded from all `potentially harmful' experiences, says A.M. Poornima, a student counsellor at A.M.M Matriculation School here.

"There's always a parent `to look after' the problem. Children are not allowed to face and handle certain situations," she says.

Psychologists in the city point to a growing umbrella of this parenting style. In school, parents tell children to choose French or Hindi in preference to mother tongue Tamil, which is considered tougher.

Last year, during counselling at Anna University, several stressed out boys and girls just closed their eyes and said "Appa, I can't. You choose my course," recalls a counsellor. In a playground fight among eight-year-olds, the underlying message the parent gives is "make sure you win," and not try and share.

Behavioural scientist N. Raj Mohan says several parents who try to live a student's life going to all career fairs, reading up on the sought-after courses and chalking out study timetables. Students are ignorant of their own interests, says Susila Mariappan, director of the University of Madras's Student Advisory Bureau.

In the long-run, the child fails to pick up the key life such as Problem Solving, Collaboration, Accountability, Adaptability and Social Responsibility.

These are on the 21st century student's `must have' list as recommended by the International Society for Technology in Education.

Management consultant and freedom fighter Easo John, 80, says children have to be trained from childhood in making decisions.

"Decision-making is not innate. As a child learns to decide on his own, with time, he develops confidence."

According to Dr. John, children should be allowed to try and fail too. "Let them make mistakes, let them burn their fingers, let them fall down and learn to pick themselves up. Parents should encourage children and guide them all the while."

There is a thin line between parental guidance and interference. In their urgency coupled with anxiety to do the best for the child, the parents restrict their wards from thinking and acting.

"That is not a healthy pattern of development," says Ms. Poornima.

"While you need guide, to hand-hold and teach your child to cross the road, you can't do that for everything."

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