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IN FIRST PERSON
Under a cloud of abuse
PHOTO: AFP
A marriage ritual: What happens later?
As someone who suffered abuse throughout a 15-year marriage and beyond, I would like to share what I believe to be some sure signs of emotional abuse. My partner attacked my very soul using words and mannerisms that caused much pain and suffering. Ov
er time, he systematically eroded my self-confidence and self-worth and created hurt so deep I could no longer bear his presence in my life.
My partner never took responsibility for his own actions. He blamed me incessantly, even for his own abusive behaviour. He created constant power struggles with me over everything. He controlled my actions and undermined my dignity before our kids and his family members.
Constant humiliation
At his hands, I was subjected to insults, put-downs, shouting, threats and sarcasm. I was criticised, humiliated, intimidated and given ultimatums. He isolated me from my family members and also friends. Sometimes, he disguised his snide or cutting comments as humour. I found that even his subtlest comment could hurt me as much as his stronger, more denigrating statements. He typically ended by accusing me of provoking his abuse or telling me that I deserved it.
My partner was also secretive and dishonest with me. He would lie and withhold information about important issues such as our financial affairs. Often he made plans or commitments affecting both of us, without my knowledge or consent, and refused to answer my questions.
Typically, my partner would not communicate with me without being abusive, and would never listen to me. He was intolerant of any opinions that differed from his own. Moreover, his constant accusations and dogmatic way of speaking always made me feel like an unequal, rather than equal participant.
I learned the hard way that living under a cloud of emotional abuse affects one’s health and well being. I made many attempts to alert him to how his words and actions made me feel. Sadly, he rejected them all. He became deeply entrenched in denial over his own abusive behaviour. He was convinced that I was to blame for his inability to relate to the children and me in a loving, accepting and non-abusive way. Eventually, I saw that I would never be able to end the cycle of abuse and the anguish it brought me and my children, and I began to implement my options for breaking free.
Warning
I want to warn all women who face emotional abuse, please don’t go through it silently. Share your feelings with trusted people and well wishers who can help. When you notice any signs, react and act wisely. To face any kind of abuse you should not be economically dependent and should have strength and courage to discuss this issue. Confrontation is a must to solve this problem. Don’t hesitate and hide your emotions under the traditional household mask. In more severe situations approach helpline hotlines and women’s organisations.
The writer’s name has been withheld to protect her identity.
Some tactics
Isolate a woman from her friends, family, cultural or faith community, care providers
Prevent her from being independent
Act jealous or possessive, accuse a woman of having affairs, coerce her into sexual activity to prove her love
Criticise a woman constantly
Threaten, intimidate, harass, or punish a woman
Use the children to control
Make all decisions in the family, withhold information and refuse to consult her or about important matters
Control the money, not allow a woman access to financial resources or conversely not contribute to household expenses.
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