The Ahimsa Way
Of manipulative relationships
USHA JESUDASAN
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Most of us are manipulative of others, whether we realise it or not. We need to create situations that are healing.
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All of us both loved and feared Aunty Bee. An elderly lady, she had a daughter and a large number of nieces, nephews and friends who cared deeply for her. The one problem with Aunty Bee was that she was very controlling and manipulative. When her daughter was young, every time a marriage proposal came, Aunty Bee would become so sick that her daughter just could not think about marriage as she had to look after her mother. This played out for several years until the proposals stopped coming. The mother had got what she wanted — she was afraid of living alone and did not want to share her daughter with a husband, so she played her manipulative part to perfection. Aunty Bee would recover just as quickly as she fell sick, and had a charming way of getting her own way. I wonder if Aunty Bee ever realised that she was a himsa person and that her manipulative behaviour was one of violence?
In all of us there is the desire to want to control others — especially those whom we love and care for: children, parents, siblings and friends. It is in our families that we experience the worst manipulations. And it is within families that himsa behaviour caused by manipulations wreak their destruction, resulting in harsh break ups, alienation from each other and violence of some sort.
Desire for control
Most people would not agree that the fiercely protective feelings which motivate them to plan and control every aspect of their children’s lives is often not seen as love, by their children, but violence. Asra’s whole life was planned by her father. He chose her school, her books, her clothes, her friends and every minute of her day was controlled by him. Her life fell apart when she married a man just like her father. A few months into the marriage, she took a suitcase and ran away.
There is a thin line between parental influence, which is for the good, and manipulation which makes one a victim of, “I’m only doing it for your own good and one day you will thank me.” Or “Do you think I enjoy this? Look at all that I’m sacrificing for your sake.” This desire to control and manipulate others through emotional blackmail, belittling, snubbing, and put downs, and withholding things (sex, money, love) that are needed or withdrawing oneself, to do what we want is covertly aggressive. Bending others to do our will can never be done gracefully — there is always a degree of violence in it, as one person exercises power over another.
One young reader wrote, “My mother tried every trick in the book to prevent me from marrying the girl of my choice even though we are from the same community, religion and social status. Now she uses gifts and indulgences to our children to manipulate us. Instead of withdrawing our children from her, or bad-mouthing her, my wife sends the children to her with little loving notes and gifts, thus disarming my mother’s insecurity.” The ahimsa way of life is meant to work in all our families.
Power relations
Most of us are manipulative in some way or other, and vulnerable to being manipulated as well. We might not understand some of what we do or say as being manipulative and controlling, but it is, and our ignorance of it should not be an excuse to exercise unhealthy power. Often, when we have helped a person in need, we make them indebted, and make them feel that they owe us their lives. We exploit and manipulate the receiver. When I was a student, a senior helped me out with a project, and ever after I was “beholden” to this person. At first, I did whatever was asked out of a feeling of gratitude, but as more and more demands were made, I realised that it had become a manipulative relationship. Frustration, anger, resentment had taken over my life. I tried disappearing every time this person came my way, or going out, but the violent feelings remained. Before I could blame her completely, I looked within myself to understand my contribution to the manipulation. I too had been playing the power game as a victim. So I wrote a very loving, but polite note thanking her for her support, and asked for her help in keeping the relationship good by not asking too much of me. By disabling the power she had over me, I had got rid of my angry feelings and restored the balance in our relationship. The himsa relationship was destroyed and a closer, mutually helpful one grew in its place which pleased us both. To follow the ahimsa way, we need to look at our own behaviour and feelings and figure out our motives too.
Some years ago, I met Muthusamy and his wife who work for a landlord who has enough power over them to “bond” their little son for life to him, in return for a paltry amount of food, a tiny hut and work. The boy was very clever and if given a chance would have made a good life for himself and his parents. Sensing this, the landlord used his power to control the family, to keep them as labourers forever. We see this kind of manipulation all over our country where those who are marginalised are kept under the thumbs of those in power. This is the worst kind of manipulation. Is there an ahimsa way through this as well? Would education and employment help people victimised by power live a better life? How do we create an environment of security, peace, love and harmony for everyone?
Ahimsa people need to think not only of themselves, but also of others. We need to establish situations that are not manipulative, but creative, confidence building, rewarding and healing to those who are victimised. The results may not be immediate, or even within our life span, but then, that is the ahimsa way. If you are an ahimsa person and have a story to share, please write to the author at: ushajesudasan@gmail.com
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