THE SHRINKING UNIVERSE
Help! I need somebody
VIJAY NAGASWAMI
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Why is revealing inability or the need for assistance such a hard thing to do, especially for the urban male?
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We are a highly socialised species, and as a result, will always be dependent on one another, whether we like it or not.
When I was younger, so much younger than today,
Never needed anybody’s help in any way!
But now those days are gone and I’m not so self assured,
Now I find I’ve changed my mind; I’ve opened up the door.
Lennon and McCartney
Asking for help, an absurdly simple thing to do on the face of it, is perhaps one of the most difficult tasks for many urbanised people today, ranking right up there along with saying “sorry”. We find it relatively easy to ask for help for the “small stuff” but when it comes to things that really matter, it’s really extraordinary how difficult it becomes. The easiest thing to do would be to dismiss this phenomenon as being caused by “ego problems”, a basket term that is gaining increasing currency in recent times. However, when we see people who are laid-back, self-effacing and far from egoistical, also resorting to the same behaviour, this explanation simply does not cut it. We need to dig just a little deeper than this.
Looking back at about two-and-a-half decades of being in the “healing” profession, I can readily see that people sought my help the easiest when I was a general medical practitioner, with much more difficulty when I was a clinical psychiatrist and with the most awkwardness when I settled down to the practice of individual and couples psychotherapy. In other words, having a physical illness is perfectly acceptable when it comes to seeking help. When it comes to a diagnosable mental illness, the stigma associated with having such a problem does come in the way, but eventually when the problem becomes unmanageable, a discreet visit to the mental health professional is still not illegitimate. But when it comes to seeking help for “non-illnesses” like relationship problems, active inertia usually sets in.
Reluctant seekers
As is well known, men find it hard to ask for and get help, unless they are employees of an enlightened organisation that pays for them to attend expensive seminars and workshops on sensitivity enhancement and the like. In the United States, 96 per cent of those who seek the services of couples’ therapists are women. Men enter the process only when they are compelled to and with poorly-concealed reluctance at that. The situation in India is interesting. When I first started working with couples, nine times out 10, it was the woman who first sought help. However, the good news is that in recent years, three or four times out of 10, it is the man who comes to see me first, whether or not his wife wants to. We are apparently well into the Age of the Metrosexual. Put differently, it appears that one of the hallmarks of masculinity is the capacity to “handle” everything — emotional or intellectual — by taking these in one’s stride. Even if one doesn’t know how to handle a situation or one doesn’t possess the wherewithal to deal with a crisis, one somehow bumbles through or “wings” it. Revealing one’s inability is unacceptable. Why should this be so? What is wrong with exposing one’s difficulties or shortcomings? Is it not the imperative first step in managing one’s problems, to acknowledge that they indeed exist, so one can confront them and deal with them?
Major fear
The answers to these questions centre around a major fear in contemporary life: the fear of vulnerability; and the resultant emotional conflict between dependence and independence. The more vulnerable one is, and the more one exposes it, the more dependent one becomes on others in the environment and therefore, the more prone one is to another person potentially exerting control over and manipulating one. The quest for invulnerability appears to be the “better” option. One of the manifestations of this quest is the reluctance, even refusal, to ask anyone for help. Although this evolved as a masculine trait, contemporary urban women too have included it in their repertoire. The net result: Everyone aims to be invulnerable and independent of everybody else and many people do believe they are. In truth, those who do believe this are deluding themselves. Nobody is truly independent or invulnerable. We are a highly socialised species, and as a result, will always be dependent on one another, whether we like it or not. The process of personal growth and development demands that we accept this reality and come to terms with it; the mature person is one who seeks to get comfortable with vulnerability, not to eliminate it. The sooner we recognise that we are all interdependent on each other and can be so with comfort, the better will we perform as a race.
Looking for solutions
So, next time we feel vulnerable, let us not attempt to be strong, silent types. Let us try to identify resources in our emotional and social environment that can assist us with solutions. To do this, we first need to learn to ask for help. Not indiscriminately of course. Let us choose our help-providers with care and discernment, and utilise their experience and expertise as best we can. It is customary for people to first discuss their issues with family and/or friends. In fact, some friends as well as family members are well known in their circles for being “fantastic counsellors”. While I would not disagree with this and would be the last person to interfere in any natural process, I would like to add that, however good their intentions, however wide their experience, family members and friends may not always be the best counsellors. They may find it hard to be objective and may not have a good enough understanding of intra-psychic processes to facilitate lasting resolutions. Seeing a mental health professional may actually be a better option. Almost all our urban areas have a fair number of mental health professionals, psychiatrists, psychologists and counsellors, who can help.
Whomever you choose, make sure you are comfortable with the person, for, much of the success of the therapeutic process would depend on this. Don’t expect them to come well recommended though. Most persons who’ve gone through therapy in our country feel too stigmatised to even acknowledge the fact, let alone pay encomiums to their therapist.
The writer is a psychiatrist and author of The 24x7 Marriage. He can be contacted at vijay.nagaswami@gmail.com
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