‘There’s more to life than marriage’
RAHI GAIKWAD AND BAGESHREE S.
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Not everything is rosy for the single woman. Sometimes her independence has to be fought for in the light of traditional attitudes that die slowly.
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Photo: A. ROY CHOWDHURY
SINGLE AND SELF-ASSURED: Despite all odds.
The myths that surround single women are countless. On one end are assumptions about them being lonely, insecure, depressed, cranky and longing for Prince Charming. On the other are hypothesis galore about them being “loose”, “available”, “immoral” ...
“Oh!” says everyone when Mumbai-based Anupinder Kaur, mother of two teenage boys, mentions that she is a single parent. In this “loaded” syllable, as she puts it, much of the talk of a liberal mindset and a changing society readily dissolves. “Our society has a very hollow notion of a family. It means a man, a woman and children. What goes inside that family does not matter,” she remarks.
Presumptions
“What annoys me most is the presumption that you are unhappy and incomplete if you are not in a relationship,” says Priyamvada, a 29-year-old web designer and animator who lives in Bangalore. “Surprisingly, this is stronger among my so-called progressive circle of friends and colleagues rather than family!”
This leads to unsolicited sympathy and generous offers to fill the “vacuum” in her life. Natasha Desa Souza (33) a successful audiologist in Mumbai, speaks of “pressure from society. We single women are fodder for gossip.” Kaur endorses this. “I have had men drop innuendoes, asking me what I was doing for the night, how I could sleep early, whether I found anything missing in life. In fact, once a woman colleague complained that the atmosphere in the office was negative because of the presence of a woman with a broken marriage!”
Vijaya Kutty, a 24-year-old employed with a BPO, agrees that being single is never easy even in a city like Bangalore. “People’s attitudes are changing. But old stereotypes never die entirely,” says Vijaya. She had to settle for a paying guest accommodation because house owners in middle-class areas, where rents are within her reach, are wary of single women.
Priyamvada adds that one house owner even sat her down and told her not to lose heart because she wasn’t married yet.
“In Mumbai, societies do not give flats to a single woman. They think we will have men over. One society even introduced a rule during their general body meeting,” says 27-year-old media professional Sriradha Bhattacharya. Things came to such a pass for her that her friend and she posed as cousins to get a room, for the family tag sells like no other.
Susheela Gowda, a migrant from Hassan district in Karnataka who shares the accommodation with Vijaya, adds that the arrangement is convenient for security reasons.
“Attacks on single women are on the rise and my parents back home worry less if I am not living alone,” she says.
Against all odds
The security angle assumes greater significance in the light of a spate of attacks on women “wearing western clothes” in Bangalore. Those attacked were all invariably single and independent women in their twenties.
Social and other pressures on women to get married are reflected in census figures. But none of these pressures will make Vijaya or Susheela compromise on their independence.
“I would rather fight and lead a single life here than go back to my hometown in Kerala,” says Vijaya.
Though the typical image portrays a single working woman in the upper-middle class space, the invisible unorganised sector is full of single women living life on their own terms against all odds. Thirty-five-year-old Yamuna, a garment worker in Bangalore, is a classic example. Yamuna chose to walk out of her husband’s house — a virtual hell hole of physical and psychological abuse — after being married for 13 years.
“I put up with him hoping he would stop drinking, beating me up and having multiple affairs. My daughter was three months old when I realised nothing will change and I walked out.”
It was a tough decision considering she did not know where her next meal would come from. When she finally landed a job in the garment factory as a tailor, her son, who was in Standard I, had to cut classes for a week to take care of his sister.
“After much begging and pleading, my factory supervisor took pity on me and agreed to take my daughter into the crèche and my son resumed school,” says Yamuna, choking on the memory of those difficult days.
“I sent my children to my husband for sometime but he did not even bother to send them to school. I brought them back finally because I don’t want them to suffer.”
Yamuna is today part of Garment and Textile Workers Union and finds fulfilment in helping other women. Life is not easy, she says, but she will never think of going back to her husband. “When I walked out, I was scared because I did not know there can be a life without a man around. But today I know that there is more to life than marriage.”
At 53, musician Padmaja Punde has gone through the ups and downs of single hood and come out self-assured. “I am absolutely alone. But you get fulfilment from your life.”
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