DESI DIARIES
Where there is smoke…
SADDAF SIDDIQUE
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Indians in the U.S. have shown a remarkable adaptability to the challenges thrown up in a strange land. But there is a small little gadget that continues to defy them…
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Illustration: Surendra
Desis have a knack for adapting to change; we reach for the stars while keeping our feet firmly grounded in Mother India. We are unfazed by unfamiliar circumstances. We eagerly explore our surroundings, and yet cling to good old desi ways. We boldly add half a bottle of Tabasco to bland insipid fare, don saris in sub-zero temperatures and don’t bat an eyelid while quizzing complete strangers on their age, marital status and social security number.
Of course some things we take to like a fish would to water — fast cars (with personalised license plates), fast food restaurants (as Udupi substitutes) and fake accents (watching Rambo reruns really pays off) to name just a few. However, there is one thing that can still cause us to break out into a cold sweat.
It hovers in the back of our mind, striking fear in the heart of the average Raman, Rane or Rahman. We tip toe in its presence, cast a furtive glance and even chant a quick prayer to dispel the evil eye. Just when you thought you had appeased the Gods that be, the calm is shattered by its high pitched whine. A chill runs down your spine as you race to crack open every window and door in sight. It is a well known fact that all desis live in fear of the smoke alarm.
Deceptive looks
The smoke alarm, that deceptively quiet and unassuming little white box is a legally mandated presence in every house and office in the U.S. The alarm could mean the difference between life and death. Its presence should bring about peace of mind and allay any fears of fire or noxious smoke. However, irrespective of its lifesaving properties, the smoke alarm remains the bane of every desi’s existence. Its loud shrieking alerts all the apartment residents to your (now burnt) dinner menu. At times it even triggers the fire alarm which results in some unexpected guests from the local neighbourhood fire department at your Ganesh puja.
Even the most cautious desis, who actually use their exhaust fans and open every single window and door in their house just to make toast are not spared from the wrath of the omnipotent smoke alarm. Everyone has a story of their dreaded encounter — an innocent tadka for dal fry gone awry, reshmi kababs on wooden skewers ablaze in the oven, a harmless little stick of agarbatti turned hostile, or the ardour of a romantic roaring fire ending in more than just dampened spirits.
Home truths
I didn’t realise how much of an issue this was as I was fortunate to be blessed with a smoke alarm tucked far away in the recess of the hall corridor. It was only when I was visiting a friend and offered to make some parathas that she turned as white as idli batter. Sensing my confusion, she nervously pointed to the smoke alarm as she reached for the rice cooker.
So why not just switch the thing off I wondered? Not a good option, as tampering with the smoke alarm is illegal in most places and you don’t want to spend time in rent-free government accommodations. And given our preference for a home cooked fare and a penchant for sputtering mustard seeds and smoking red chillies, the thought of going baghar-less and foregoing crispy curry patta so depressing that despondent desis have turned to desperate measures.
Some shockingly take on the rather un-desi trait of eating bland dals and sabzis, staying far away from rotis, uttappams and dosas in constant fear of red hot iron tavas (see above). Others follow a carefully choreographed dance of opening the right windows and angling all the five household fans to the exact forty five degree angle to blow the smoke away from the vicinity of the screeching beast.
Most desi kitchens come equipped with some form of smoke repellent arsenal including tall steel step stools and a hand cranked fan poised to keep away even a wisp of smoke. Some have even perfected the art of hand motions, dish towel waving or use of the appropriate kitchen utensil (trays work best) for tackling the plumes of smoke before they inch upwards.
Extreme measures
The most daring desis manage to muffle the smoke alarm with many layers of protective covering also known as your wife’s best dupattas. And the truly renegade among us go as far as to disable the alarm during mealtimes.
However in the truest desi fashion, there are enough among us who truly embrace the clanking, cantankerous creature by playing a Russian Roulette of sorts. The calming belief that “This too shall pass” and a friendly familiarity with the fire department really helps in this regard. After all, you have the best timer you could ask for. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
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