THE SHRINKING UNIVERSE
With all due respect
VIJAY NAGASWAMI
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A respectful relationship involves mutuality, congruence, tolerance, extension of the self and a non-judgemental attitude.
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Respect template: Learning how to experience and express respect from parents.
Mutual respect is an integral requirement of all relationships whether between married couples, parent and child, friends, peers or bosses and subordinates.
In fact, nowhere else is respect more important than in non-intimate, non-familial or other relationships, characterised by the purposeful coming together of people for a specific reason or a cause; for in such relationships, love, the binding glue of intimate and familial relationships, may or may not be present.
And as we all are well aware, even if love is present in a relationship, its sustenance and growth cannot take place in the absence of respect. However, respect is not something that necessarily happens at first sight; it needs to be actively built into the relationship. Often we are not even sure if mutual respect really exists in a relationship, although it is very easy to sense when the other person does not respect us.
And when, based on this sense, we start complaining of lack of respect, we end up sounding shrill even if there is some basis for our accusations. To understand this business of respect, we need to turn to the first relationships that we learned how to experience and express respect in — those with our parents.
As children, we are completely dependent on our parents for everything and, therefore, we look up to them and hang on their every word and action and try and emulate them as we grow up. We soon reach a stage when we start thinking and reasoning for ourselves, and this is the time when we start developing our ‘respect templates’ and learn the technique of respect, as it were. From this point on, the manner in which we experience and communicate respect will largely be determined by how our parents facilitate this. Some of us will find that the respect we have for our parents has more to do with what they have achieved, and not necessarily with what they are. This is often the case of children of high-achieving parents.
Question of achievement
Unfortunately in the pursuit of their high-achieving ways, they may not have had enough time or energy to help their children value themselves appropriately, hoping that the example they are setting the children will somehow be enough.
It rarely is, for the children either get onto the high-achievement bandwagon and build their sense of self-worth around their own achievements, or they may end up feeling that they can never match up to their parents’ achievements and drop out of the race altogether, filled with a sense of frustration and low self-worth.
Alternatively, if the parents are low-achievers, they may, sharply conscious of their low-achiever status, live out their aspirations through the children’s attainments, pushing the latter to higher levels of accomplishments than they themselves are capable of. In this situation too, the children end up with an achievement-oriented pattern of valuing themselves as well as others around them. Achievement-oriented respect is extremely fragile, since, as is well known, such respect is subject to a lot of variation, for achievement does not follow a linear pattern; crests and troughs are the norm. And if respect for oneself or for others is going to be dependent on achievement, it makes for an extremely fluctuating and unpredictable scenario.
There are however parents who, even as they pursue excellence in their chosen career paths, do take the time to teach their children that self-respect is built, not around one’s professional attainments, but around one’s capacity to be a good, caring and sensitive human being. Children of such parents, obviously, have a healthy and well-rounded sense of self-respect, and find that they are able to add genuine value to the lives of all the relationships they may be part of. Such people do, of course exist, but the rest of us, however, have to make a serious effort to become like them.
It may have become apparent that I do not see respect in the same light as admiration or regard for what one has done or who one is.
Self-extension
From where I sit, respect has little to do with other people; it has to do only with one’s own self. It refers to the capacity on one’s part to extend oneself for another person. Therefore, respect for others can happen only when one respects one’s own capacity for self-extension. To do this, one must value, not one’s achievements, but one’s intrinsic capability to be a caring human being. However, extension of one’s self cannot be blind. If, in the process of extending oneself, there is no mutuality or reciprocity, the extension will be at a cost to oneself and this is something that diminishes rather than adds value to one’s life. In other words, you may admire and regard somebody’s skills highly, but if you extend yourself for this person in the absence of any reciprocity, the relationship lacks mutual respect and therefore offers less scope for value addition.
The more you respect yourself, the more you will find that you experience genuine respect only in those relationships where the other person in the relationship feels the need for self-extension as much as you do. Otherwise, you will experience greater incongruence than congruence, and therefore your capacity for mutual self-extension will be that much lower. It’s never a pretty sight to see one person either demanding or pleading for respect from the other.
To add value
In the final analysis, respectful relationships involve mutuality, congruence, tolerance, extension of the self and a non-judgemental attitude. When these are present, the relationship starts to add genuine value to the lives of both parties. In their absence, what we tend to experience is ritualised patterns of respect as in the woman who bends over backwards to create a stress-free home for her brilliant doctor husband but is scared to express her legitimate need for more time with him, or the son who believes he must respect his elders simply because they are ‘elders’, and builds up resentment because there is little mutuality in the relationship. Constantly bending over backwards does not make for respectful relationships. It only breaks your back.
The writer is a psychiatrist and author of The 24x7 Marriage. He can be contacted at vijay.nagaswami@gmail.com
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