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THE SHRINKING UNIVERSE

The seven-year and other itches

Photo: PAUL NORONHA

Together in good and bad times…

All marriages, even the best ones, drift. Some do so just a little, but sometimes partners drift quite apart from each other and it is not uncommon to see some couples leading parallel lives, independent of each other. They come together only to deal with mundane, day-to-day issues. They make social plans, talk about the children’s needs, who needs the car at what time and whether or not they need to get the house repainted. These they do well, for these are not judgment-related issues (unless, of course, they have severe issues on whether to paint the walls teal or lemon yellow). What I mean here is that there is no value judgement that is being pronounced by either on the other, and since they have, over the years, worked out a basic understanding of how to engage in mundane communication with each other, they may be able to manage a civil conversation on such subjects. Sometimes, if they have been fighting a lot about other things, they are quite relieved to have such conversations in an atmosphere of apparent cordiality, for it lulls them into a feeling that if they are not fighting, there is no hostility in their life.

Although the term “Seven-year-itch” usually referred to one or both partners having extra-marital relationships, it has, in recent times, come to be used in the context of partners drifting away from each other. The understanding was that around seven years is the usual length of time that two people in a relationship could tolerate the “benefits” of monogamy. At the end of this period, spouses were expected to become tired of each other and look elsewhere for excitement and fulfilment. The origin of the term is attributed to a Broadway play of the same name written by George Axelrod and first performed in 1952. Three years later, the movie version of the play, starring the legendary Marilyn Monroe, made the seven-year itch a household term. Of course, at the time, people generally got married when they were younger, when they perhaps were not in a state of either preparedness or maturity for marriage, and when their hormones were on overdrive. Today, however, people generally get married when they are slightly older, perhaps more mature, and in a state of greater preparedness to get married. Does the seven-year itch still happen? Yes, it still does, even if doesn’t always lead to extra-marital relationships. It could just end up in a parallel life sort of scenario, where both partners don’t look to each other for emotional fulfilment, depending instead on other social domains that they live in, such as work, children, family, friends and other all-consuming interests. And many couples don’t even wait for seven years for this to happen. Sometimes, even as early as three years from the wedding, couples fall into a parallel lives pattern and even if there is no overt hostility in the marriage, there is hardly any substance in it. And often the reason for this is sheer boredom.

The truth is people tend to get bored with their lives, and tend to hold the marriage responsible for this and then blame the partner for not being stimulating enough to keep the marriage alive. A recent (April 2009), elegantly designed, much-quoted study by researchers Irene Tsapelas and Arthur Aron from the Stony Brook University, New York, and Terri Orbuch from the University of Michigan, assessed couples on a variety of parameters at the end of the seventh year of marriage and again nine years later, that is after 16 years of marriage. One of the major conclusions of the study is that if partners are bored with each other after seven years of marriage, then they are likely to experience a substantial decrease in satisfaction with each other and the marriage even after 16 years (provided of course, they still stay married). And another important conclusion that the researchers arrived at is that when they are bored with each other, couples experience less closeness and this is what seems to contribute to decreased marriage satisfaction. In other words, it is not so much excitement and stimulation that keeps couples happy in their marriages, it is closeness and intimacy that really matters.

And believe me, if you do succumb to the seven or three-year-itch, and find another partner who shows you a way out of your boredom, you’ll start having the itch again within three years, unless you build closeness and intimacy into that relationship. From where I sit, the itch has nothing to do with your partner really. It has to do with you and the absence of substance in your relationship. If I were you, I would invest time, energy and emotions in enhancing closeness and intimacy in the marriage rather than look elsewhere. You have to do it sometime, whether with spouse or paramour. So why not with the spouse and why not now? And always keep in mind that eyes that rove, tend to develop astigmatism sooner than later.

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