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Wake up, India. We're one big happy family
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The Republic Day is a good time to discuss the state of the union. TINA GARG checks out families who have married from all castes and cultures
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A RECENT survey by a business journal showed that over 20 per cent of urban Indian women viewed marriage outside the community as "a common thing". Choice in marriages, known by that quaint Indianism — love marriages — is no longer looked askance in metros.
"It has worked out wonderfully," says Monica Dayakar, a Punjabi married to a Tamil Iyengar, whose daughter has wedded a Bengali and son engaged to a girl who has a Goan father and Dutch mother. "We have broken the identity barrier and don't identify ourselves with such and such State anymore." For the Dayakars, as with theatre/ television personality C.R. Simha's family (a Kannadiga family where the son married a Sikh and the daughter a Kodava), it has been a huge learning experience.
These families have begun to celebrate all Indian festivals — in the first case Durga Pooja and
Christmas, and in the second case, Baisakhi and Guru Nanak Jayanti. Being foodies to boot, both families are thrilled with the change in the daily menu, now peppered with newer cultures and cuisines.
Says Simha's son Ritwik: "Being in the theatre profession, our house was always open to people from various backgrounds and communities, and we have been exposed to various cultures, so it was easy to accept this change too."
As for the ceremonies, for some they might have been a mishmash of sorts with one side completely at sea, but the spirit of the parties concerned carry the day through, with everyone having a good time.
For the most part, families aren't fanatical about religion and are willing to compromise. Says Monica: "I have pictures of all gods and goddesses ... and have never given caste a second thought. Even two days before my marriage, when someone came up and asked me if my husband-to-be was a Maharashtrian, I wasn't sure, as we had never gone into those aspects."
Gautam Mahtani, a PR professional, had it much easier than his parents. His father, a Sindhi, had to wait 10 difficult years to marry his mother, a Chinese. "My mother eventually adapted herself so well that she was well-versed with the traditions, pujas, full moon days, and so on better than the other Sindhi women."
Gautam, who himself married a Muslim girl recently, feels that things work out because both the sides make a special effort by forgoing certain expectations. "On the one hand, I am glad my children will experience two diverse cultures. However, I do feel that inter-caste marriages dilute some traditions, language, and so on with each generation." He laments that he is unable to speak Sindhi well because one of his parents didn't speak it.
Samarjeet Salvi, product of a cross-cultural union, however, cherishes the experience of growing up under diverse influences. His paternal grandparents' home was conservative where Marathi was spoken while his maternal grandparents were liberal and conversed in Sindhi and English.
Says his mother Ranjana: "The children learn to appreciate different people, styles of living, and customs, and turn out to be more mature in their relationships with people." She herself grew up with the awareness that none of her three paternal aunts married into the community, preferring grooms who were Sindhi, Bengali and Malayali. But she herself chose tradition and a Maharashtrian.
Talking of the vast change in culture for a new bride/groom, she says: "Initially you feel at a loss. The food, the customs are all so different. Suddenly the household breaks into the mother-tongue not realising that the new member does not understand it. However, the good part is that they accept you better since they understand that you may not know their customs well: so many issues become non-existent."
Coming from a family that has embraced an assortment of castes, she has no misgivings about the future marriages of her daughter to a Punjabi with a Jewish-Catholic mother, and of her son to a Gujarati.
Iris Gonsalves, who has a Gujarati Jain and two American daughters-in-law and a Punjabi son-in-law (Radio City jockey Sunaina Lal's father), makes clear her preference for inter-caste marriages: "I feel people from other communities (are) better for the marriage. If things have to go wrong, they won't be worse than they could with the same community."
She speaks of one her American daughters-in-law: "She is like a daughter to me, she cares for me such a lot because she knows how much I meant to my son. When there is love on both sides and you respect each other's wishes, you tend to adjust well."
With more awareness of families like these, inter-caste marriages are no longer taboo today. Parents are either broad-minded or accede to their children's wishes, not wanting to rock the boat. With countless examples of families who have encouraged such marriages, they are identifying themselves as humans and Indians rather than from a specific caste.
As Monica puts it: "There is only one language — (that of the) heart; there is only one caste — the caste of humanity."
Are you listening, India?
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