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Out of the conflict zone
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Read on to find out how you can resolve the conflict within yourself and with others around you
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THE WORLD is strife-ridden, be it small tiffs to major battles. Conflict could be a disagreement, dissatisfaction, dispute or an uncomfortable feeling that something is not right.
If two or more people are together, each with his/ her own choices, values and views, there will be conflict. Personality types come into the picture too — the more inflexible one is, more the number of conflicts that the person will face.
So, is conflict good or bad? Actually conflict is good, provided it is managed, guided and controlled through its path to a logical conclusion that works for both parties. Conflict resolves a lot of unsatisfactory issues, corrects situations, and brings about changes that are welcome and long overdue. Examples of conflict that brought about profound changes are our own story of independence, strides made by women's movement, etc., in the larger scenario and establishment of expectations, rules, limitations and clarifications in your immediate surroundings.
Since we accept conflict as a part and parcel of our life, here are a few tips to help you understand the T.I.P. concept, so that the end result is a win-win situation for everyone involved.
`T' is for greater "tolerance" level.
Everyone operates from a different `position':education, family background, value systems, attitudes, basic personality traits, culture and manners — all play a crucial role in a person's reactions and actions.
This understanding allows you to recognise that we tend to project our expectations on to other people or we want to be the director and the screenplay writer of the ongoing conflict. This only ends up adding more fuel to the fire. Accept the fact that it is impossible to control other people; you can control only yourself. Stop the expectation of wanting the other person to be perfect. We have as many faults and failings as the person you are scowling at right now. So be open-minded and tell yourself everyone is different and that you will be tolerant of individuals. It is tough, but can be achieved with self-discipline.
`I' is for being "issue-centric" and not person-centric.
That means seeking to understand and looking only at what is happening now. Answer these questions very honestly:
- Do you get emotionally involved in the conflict at hand?
- Are you consciously aware of your personal dislikes, biases towards the person you are having the conflict with?
- Has it entered the picture and clouded your thinking?
- Do you rake up past issues, both resolved and unresolved?
You will have much less to deal with by focusing on the content and not on the delivery and the deliverer. Stay absolutely issue-centric, don't waver, however tempting it might be to throw in that delicious piece from the past ready to explode!
`P' is for "positive mental attitude.
We tend to take conflict as a challenge because it threatens our value systems, beliefs, opinions, actions and authority. We do go to great lengths to establish that we are "right". Our mind tends to think: "If I am right, then you have to be wrong, and (sigh) if only you would stop talking and just listen to me"! Rings a familiar bell?
Two things happen while in conflict. We put ourselves down for not being able to handle the situation or we become very critical of the other person, and tend to become verbally negative, in order to protect our self-esteem.
The positive mental messages you should be using are:
- My worth does not depend on being perfect
- My worth doesn't depend on being right
- What can I learn from this situation?
- I am valuable, competent and capable
- This too will pass and the sun will still rise tomorrow morning
- Tomorrow is another day
Try all these suggestions and see what happens next time. The good news is there are going to be ample opportunities for you to practice!
CHITRA DANGER
(The writer is the director of ProEt Centre for International Protocol and Etiquette, Tel. Nos. 23556422 / 55503605; e- mail: proetique@yahoo.co.in; website: www.proetique.com)
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