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Papa don't preach
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And mamas had better be clued in to what their children are up to. CHARUMATHI SUPRAJA discovers that life is not a box of chocolates and roses for the city's teens
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Dating in cool and happening in our own paradise of food 'n' drink —Photo:K. Murali Kumar
IT'S SATURDAY and you're young and bored. The hormones are raging within and the teen-fights are raging without. You'd love a cold coffee with that new girl/guy in your class. Or an arms-wrapped-around drive, along the dusky Ring Road. Not long after, you're snuggling up in the dark corner of a Saturday night party.
Dating is cool and happening in our own paradise of food 'n' drink (read: Bangalore). A date is about being in the right clothes, with the right person at the right time. It's also about being seen (and not seen) by the right people. What starts with the meeting of eyes across the room isn't known to end with just that. Lack of sex education; parents straddling the confused cosmos of work, home, traditions, modernity; and the suppressed sexual psyche of society, have led teenagers to find their own ways of discovering their sexuality.
A 19-year-old student says: "My boyfriend and I meet every day. We go out for coffee or long drives. Even though I'm dating him, I really enjoy going out with my other guy friends in a group. Affordability is what decides how we spend our time together. And since guys have this weird notion that they must pay, I try to avoid the movies, which are so expensive." Ask her how much her parents know and she says: "My parents have given me enough freedom, so I don't misuse it. Sometimes I do, but mostly I don't."
Seventeen-year-old Adi throws his kid brother out of the room before he talks of his love life. "My girlfriend and I recently called it quits because I complained that she had no time for me. We fought a lot. I'm single now and maybe I'll find a girl I like by Valentine's Day. My parents have warned me about drinking and smoking, etc., but I am allowed to go nights out at least once a week. When you're bored, it's so much more fun to call a girl or go out with her. Guy-talk and outings are different." He adds: "Girls are more careful. They might agree to go out with a guy but they won't hold hands on the first date. After a couple of times, maybe there'll be a kiss... but it'll take years to go further."
Many counsellors in the city agree that the most vulnerable teens are the ones in high school or PUC. Ali Khwaja, Banjara Academy, says: "There's a perceptible change in parents and children over the years. Children are not questioned by parents so much. When teenagers enter college, they have this wrong notion that first PUC is a holiday. They suddenly feel free in college, and can get into a lot of trouble if not guided properly."
Phyllis Farias, student and family counsellor, agrees. "How the children come through this crucial phase depends on the extent to which parents involve themselves in their children's lives. Children search for love outside when they don't get it at home. Parental supervision is very important. It's also the time when career decisions have to be made."
Meera Ravi, another counsellor, cites the example of a 15-year-old school dropout. "She comes from a broken home, parents are in their own world. This girl tells me about her experiences at the disco with the boys when her mother thought she was at a friend's. She is euphoric when she describes the New Year party at which she was kissed, etc. She is now getting into drugs." She stresses that when children are not listened to or appreciated, that dismissal will precipitate many problems in the teens. "It's parents who need to change their attitude. The children of today are different. The only way to have your children is through love and lots of positive strokes." A 19-year-old student says: "When a girl gets a steady boyfriend, she cuts herself off from her other friends and activities. And she comes out very lost when the relationship fails. So most sensible people know that this is not the age to attach yourself. It's not really like you're out if you don't have a guy."
Not true of the younger teens though. Phyllis Farias says: "There is tremendous pressure on the teens to go with the crowd. They ask me if there's anything wrong with them that they don't have a girlfriend or boyfriend."
"We stress on not getting physical with guys on dates," says a student counsellor, who's put in 20 years in a women's college in the city. "But girls have become very impulsive. And this applies to all backgrounds and economic groups. It's become more difficult to do a counsellor's job. A girl who was once caught for stealing money from the class, owned up that she needed the money for her abortion."
Phyllis maintains that while "the curiosities and inhibitions that plague teenagers are the same", parents are caught between two worlds, which is confusing the teenagers. "I have had girls come to me and say, `My mother is forcing me to wear shorts, when I don't like to.'" "While I never have discussions on sex and relationships with my sons, I do worry a lot about them," says a working mother. Another says: "A girl should keep a guy at arm's length and earn his respect. When she is insecure inside and scared to rebuff attempts to touch her, she will pay for it more than the guy."
Experts agree that the coyness and reticence surrounding all matters sexual is one cause for increased curiosity and wrong information being circulated amongst teens. "Sex is anatomically discussed in the bio class. But the emotional and social aspects are never dealt with. At home the subject is taboo. So if, by a lack of understanding the teenager gets into a bad situation, we adults are squarely to blame," Phyllis points out.
"Porn sites notwithstanding, teenagers know very little about the basic facts of life," says Dr. Khwaja. "We only have more reason to worry, with HIV looking for victims," adds another counsellor.
Moving from the gawky, gauche teens to suave adulthood can be painful. But with mobiles and booked calendars, teens today are not the same as before. Time for parents to get up-to-date.
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