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Aging into independence
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Parents today are opting to live independently, away from their working children. A new generation fallout, HEMJITH BHARATAN discovers, is more out of respect for each other's privacy.
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MAKING HER way out of the gym Sunanda felt a sense a sense of well-being. She had felt her abs respond to the workout today. The woman who had stared back at her from the gym mirror looked trim and fit. As she reached the parking lot for her car a warm glow filled her at the thought of her baby grandson and she reminded herself to get a teddy for him on her way back from work.
The new age, ushering in new life styles, trends and increasing opportunities sees a transformation in the lives of the older generation. No longer resigning themselves to housework and caring after children and grandchildren, the present lot of parents-in-law and grandparents lead active and independent lives. For them it is not the end of the road as life has a lot more in store. Unlike before they have no intention to withdraw from the mainstream to lead calm and peaceful lives. For they still feel the gush of warm blood flowing within their veins.
Thus independence and privacy now top the priority list of the older generation too. So, keeping in line with fresh attitudes and sensibilities, a new trend that has been observed in recent years is the desire and conviction of the parents to live under separate and independent roofs, away from their married children. The perspective of the joint family system, a tradition that India was so proud of, is being questioned. For now everybody needs and respects each other's privacy and space. And interestingly, unlike before, it is the older generation who are beginning sometimes to take the first move to live apart for they are not willing to sacrifice their independence at any cost. Thus incidents of making arrangements to shift house quickly and deftly when a son gets married are becoming increasingly common. Sometimes, it is the parents who move over to an apartment of their dreams. This is so because apartments are considered secure and the mushrooming of such multi-storied apartments has also contributed to the independent lifestyles among older generation.
Though independence and privacy are top priority it is not sought at the cost of breaking down families or creating unpleasantness. For, attitudes have changed and things are done with a lot of understanding and farsightedness. Happiness, well being and creature comforts are thus being redefined. For, maintaining good relationships with loved ones also means maintaining each other's privacy and not crowding into each other's space. Personal experience has proven with many that living apart not only creates better relationships and less scope for misunderstanding but ironically easier and better communication too.
Studies have shown that as we grow older our cells do not diminish but stop dividing. And exercise and workouts accompanied by enthusiasm and mental alertness postpone this process. The gyms in the city thus see an increase in membership of the older generation. The universities too admit more and more senior candidates. The fact that only college students can pick up new skills and absorb fresh ideas faster is a myth. For the older generation today shows a openness and an ability to toe in line even with the newly honed computer wizards. Their wealth of experience and patience give them an added edge.
For many mothers-in-law this is also a time for freedom as their children now grown up fend for themselves. Free from responsibilities many enjoy and make use of their newly found freedom and do things they had always wanted to. Life begins at 50. Instead of feeling worthless that their children no longer need them, they explore new vistas and contribute their bit to the world and find fulfilment. The grandchildren with whom they spend many happy hours are their joy but not their responsibility. Says Presna Anish, a grandma who plays a game of badminton at the Cochin Club every evening, "relationships are very important but at the same time everybody's desire for privacy has to be respected. Thus as long as parents and children are ready to help and care for each other it doesn't matter whether they stay under one roof or separately".
But by living apart are we not going the way of the West? Does this not sound the death knell of the joint family system? Will society turn cold and indifferent and family ties become shallow as across the oceans? Listen to Prasad Kumar, a young father, "times are changing and we have to evolve with it. It is true that at a certain period the joint family was essential. But now such a system is impractical due to change; and staying separately is considered healthy as it maintains better relationships in most cases. Thus as long as we are responsible parents and children and are besides each other during times of need it does not matter whether we stay apart or together".
Thus for those who feel they are over the hill and think it is time to slow down, remember that we all have a right to choose what we think is best for us. Never get bogged down by indecision. Have the courage to follow your dreams. Age is no detriment for one, as life is a continuous learning process. You are only as old as you think.
Urmila Vijayan a grandma of two teenagers, who leads an active independent life, has this to say, "we don't grow old gracefully, we just grow gracefully".
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