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Villain in the family?

Sibling rivalry is a complicated issue, which no family likes to discuss. Sometimes it stops with a pinch or a scream, but at times, it snowballs into gargantuan proportions, reports HEMJIT BHARATHAN

SIBLINGS, WHEN they fight, fight worse than strangers. Evidence of this is there in everyday life. Is sibling rivalry prevalent in all families? Moreover, how does one deal with squabbles and fights among kids to foster a warm and congenial atmosphere at home? If only people knew how to deal with it, much of the world would have been a happier place.

Tackle it

Sibling rivalry is something parents not only have to endure and tolerate but also learn to tackle. And it is not confined to the human race alone. For among animal species too, scuffles occur between several young ones nurtured together, though beasts and birds, squabbling also for food and shelter vary in slight degrees from their human counterparts. "However", warns Dr. Seethalakshmi, child psychiatrist, "hatred among siblings should not be ignored for it can create animosity and disorder in the family. Parents have to root out the cause. For, if unchecked, rivalry among siblings never cease even up to adulthood. It is thus crucial for parents to teach children to be more cooperative, adjust, adapt and learn to share".

But as long as fights between children do not reach disturbing levels parents need not feel unduly alarmed. For many parents feel such minor confrontations can have certain positive effects on the growing child. For conflicts and differences of opinions pave the way for children to confront and deal with hostilities and provocations during adulthood. Sibling disputes is thus said to impart certain growing up lessons by training the child to understand and respect another person's attitude and outlook.

Besides learning to control offensive and violent behaviour such arguments form a training ground for self-control, restraint and moderation. Says Prabha Vasanth, a mother, "minor conflicts among kids are harmless and even beneficial to a certain extent. For besides teaching them to negotiate such situations also make them understand each other better and even develop closer and warmer ties".

Parental role is crucial. For sibling relationships is the yardstick to measure a family's level of harmony and mutual goodwill.

Rivalry among siblings occurs because each child has her own distinct characteristics. Even in a two-child nuclear family one sibling would always be more intelligent or talented than the other. This leads to jealousy and bickering. A child's inborn nature also sets him apart. Says Dr. Diljit a psychiatrist, "in some instances the older child would feel frustrated with responsibilities while the younger one may feel over protected. A daughter getting the bulk of the father's affection and the son smothered by the mother's love also leads to envy and resentfulness. Sometimes a second sibling's birth also reduces the feeling of importance of the first one. A sickly child getting too much of care would also arouse feelings of jealousy in his sibling".

However there are some basic rules to check the frequency and severity of fights. Parents should serve as the ideal role models at home by finding methods that are amicable, productive and peaceful. A general household rule never to resort to violence or physical aggression should be declared.

"Besides", says Dr. Seethalakshmi, "children should always be engaged in activities of their aptitude that bring out their best, so that they would feel self-worthy and not inferior. Parents should also refrain from abusive verbal threats like, `I will kill you', or `you will be skinned alive' etc". Family activities and outdoor engagements with parents and children together that bring in a lot of fun and happy memories to look back should be regular.

Leave 'em alone

For confused parents who don't know how to react many effective methods have been found to ensure that sibling rivalry stays within limits. A useful technique some parents have found beneficial, however is not to react or get involved in children's quarrels if there is no threat of physical harm or mental anguish. It is best to leave them alone. Let children express their feelings and learn to manage and sort out the crisis themselves.

Never take sides and do not worry about which child is right for it takes two to fight. However if you mediate, solve problems WITH your children, not FOR them.

Comparisons have been found to have negative effects. Many parents use comparisons as a tool to correct children. But nothing can be more harmful than comparing and pointing out a brother's or sister's good points, agree many parents. For it creates not only an inferiority complex but also jealousy and hatred among siblings. Thus, however striking the differences between two siblings are just comment on the disagreeable behaviour without matching and measuring up your child with his sibling or even a friend.

For ultimately, you are paving the way for your child to develop stable relationships in future.

Tips for parents