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The big FIGHT

Parents can pave the way for a harmonious relationship between siblings

Squabbling siblings can create chaos at home

THE FIGHTING BETWEEN two siblings is worse than a slanging match between two strangers. Evidence of this is there in everyday life. Is sibling rivalry prevalent in all families? Moreover, how does one deal with squabbles among kids to foster a congenial atmosphere at home? If only people knew how to deal with it, the world would have been a happier place.

Tackle the problem

Sibling rivalry is something parents not only have to endure but also learn to tackle. And it is not confined to the human beings alone. For among animals too, scuffles occur among young ones over food and shelter. "However", warns Dr. Seethalakshmi, child psychiatrist, "hatred among siblings should not be ignored for it can create animosity and disorder in the family. Parents have to root out the cause. For, if unchecked, rivalry among siblings never ceases even up to adulthood.

It is thus crucial for parents to teach children to be more cooperative, to adjust, adapt and learn to share."

But as long as fights between children do not reach disturbing levels parents need not feel unduly alarmed. For many parents feel such minor confrontations can have positive effects on the growing child. For conflicts and differences of opinion pave the way for children to confront and deal with hostilities and provocations during adulthood. Sibling disputes are thus said to impart growing up lessons by training the child to understand and respect the other person's outlook.

Besides learning to control offensive and violent behaviour, such arguments serve as a training ground for self-control, restraint and moderation. Says Prabha Vasanth, a mother, "Minor conflicts among kids are harmless and even beneficial to a certain extent. For, besides teaching them to negotiate, such situations make them understand each other better and help develop closer ties."

Why rivalry occurs

Rivalry among siblings occurs because each child has her own distinct characteristics. Even in a two-child nuclear family one sibling would always be more intelligent or talented than the other. This leads to jealousy and bickering. A child's inborn nature also sets him apart. Says Dr. Diljit, a psychiatrist, "in some instances the older child feels frustrated with responsibilities while the younger one may feel over-protected. A daughter getting the bulk of the father's affection and the son smothered by the mother's love also lead to envy and resentment. Sometimes a second sibling's birth reduces the feeling of importance of the first one. A sickly child getting too much of care also arouses feelings of jealousy in his sibling."

No physical aggression

However, there are rules to check the frequency and severity of fights. Parents should serve as role models and find methods that are amicable, productive and peaceful.

A general household rule never to resort to violence or physical aggression should be declared.

"Besides," says Dr. Seethalakshmi, "children should always be engaged in activities they are interested in, to bring out the best in them, so that they will feel worthy of themselves and not inferior. Parents should also refrain from verbal threats such as, `I will kill you', or `You will be skinned alive'." Family activities and outdoor engagements involving parents and children should be frequent.

Leave them alone

For confused parents who don't know how to react, many effective methods have been found to ensure that sibling rivalry stays within limits. A useful technique some parents have found beneficial, however, is not to react or get involved in children's quarrels if there is no threat of physical harm or mental anguish. It is best to leave them alone. Let children express their feelings and learn to manage and sort out the crises themselves.

Never take sides and do not worry about which child is right for it takes two to fight. However if you mediate, solve problems with your children, not for them.

Comparisons have been found to have negative effects. Many parents use comparisons as a tool to correct children. But nothing can be more harmful than comparing or highlighting a brother's or sister's good points, agree many parents. For it creates not only an inferiority complex but also jealousy and hatred among siblings.

Thus, instead of emphasising the differences between two siblings, just comment on disagreeable behaviour without matching and measuring up your child with his sibling or even a friend.

For ultimately, you are paving the way for your child to develop stable relationships in future.

Tips for parents