Metro Plus
Bangalore
Chennai
Hyderabad
Fighting fair?
|
Restraint is important when it comes to settling an argument amicably
|
A fair fight actually increases intimacy between partners
IS THERE really such a thing as "fighting fair"? How is that possible? Aren't we fighting because we have been provoked by the other person's unfair opinion? We feel completely justified in revelling in our point of view as we let off steam and keep the wrath going for all it is worth. Ask anyone who is in a rage and they will swear they are fighting fair because they are right and have been wronged! We get wrapped up in the heat of the moment and want to hit back as hard as our emotions and feelings have been hit.
Conflicts inevitable
Disagreements and conflicts are inevitable in any human interaction. The difference is only in the frequency and intensity. The reality is, the closer the relationship, conflicts and disagreements are that much more emotional and hurtful. Generally, when tempers flare, voices are raised, insults hurled and accusations fly back and forth. This state of affairs unfortunately ends in bitterness, distrust and a desire for revenge.
The issues may be temporarily settled, but one or both partners feel that they are the ones constantly giving up or adjusting, resulting in resentment, anger or hurt. Both partners also experience loss of intimacy. Fighting fair, on the other hand, will make the parties feel heard and relieved that issues have been dealt with. Fair fighting actually increases intimacy by helping partners understand each other. Even before you get started, you have to prepare your mind with some ground rules and be aware of a few realities. Think about the following guidelines and see where and how they can help you.
Getting started
Deal with issues as they crop up. The more you avoid them or let them pile "under the rug", you will trip on them sooner or later and the fall can be pretty nasty!
Choose your fights. Don't let trivial issues become World War III. It is better to win the war and let go of little battles.
Pick a good time, meaning, if your partner is stressed by something already, or is exhausted or hungry, you know you are only adding fuel to the fire. A calm, understanding response is not going to be forthcoming, however justified you feel your position is.
Be specific and limit the scope of the fight to the issue at hand. Bring up one thing at a time. Dredging up all the trespasses of the past? No, No, No!
Don't ever run away from, ridicule or ignore an issue your partner feels is important. You might want to avoid it, but you have to lend an ear and, it had better be an understanding ear!
Don't be content with "silent treatment". You are not getting anywhere. You can lose even the most understanding, accommodating person with this childish behaviour.
No matter what the outcome, tell yourself that you will not stomp off, bang the door shut or leave for your parent's home. All this will make you a poor loser!
Do not bring up red button issues or make heavily loaded digs while in the company of others, however tempting it might be. Along with embarrassing your partner, you are sure to lose the respect and support of the people you are mingling with!
What you need to be thinking about is not "Should I express my anger?" or even "How should I express my anger?" but "How can I communicate effectively to my partner about this issue so that s/he will do something about it?" Next week, we will look into how to initiate, respond, negotiate and end a fight. Till then, hold off and hang in there.
CHITRA S. DANGER
Printer friendly
page
Send this article to Friends by
E-Mail
Metro Plus
Bangalore
Chennai
Hyderabad
|
