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Fighting fair
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Self-restraint is an important virtue when it comes to settling arguments amicably
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Photo: K. Gajendran
Disagreements and conflicts are inevitable in any human interaction.
IS THERE really such a thing as "fighting fair"? How is that possible? Aren't we fighting because we have been provoked by the other person's unfair position? We all feel totally justified in revelling in our point of view as we let out steam and keep the wrath going for all it is worth. Ask anyone who is in a rage and they will swear they are fighting fair because they are right and have been wronged! We get wrapped up in the heat of the moment and want to hit back as hard as our emotions and feelings have been hit.
Disagreements and conflicts are inevitable in any human interaction. The difference is only in the frequency and intensity of it. The reality is that, closer the relationship, conflicts and disagreements are that much more emotional and hurtful. Generally, when tempers flare, voices are raised, insults exchanged, and accusations fly back and forth. This state of affairs unfortunately ends in bitterness, distrust, and desire for revenge.
The issues may be temporarily settled, but one or both partners feel that they are the ones constantly giving way or adjusting, resulting in resentment, anger or hurt. Both partners also experience tremendous loss of intimacy. Fighting fair, on the other hand, makes the parties feel heard and relieved that issues have been dealt with. Fair fighting actually increases the intimacy by helping partners understand each other. Even before you get started, you have to prepare your mind with some ground rules and be aware of a few realities. Think about the following guidelines and see where and how it can help you.
Getting started
Deal with issues as they crop us. The more you avoid it or let it pile under the rug, the more you're prone to trip over it, and the fall can be pretty nasty!
Choose your fights. Don't let trivial issues become World War III. It is better to win the war and let go of little battles.
Pick a good time, meaning, if your partner is already stressed out by something else, or is exhausted or hungry, you know you are only adding fuel to the fire. A calm, understanding response is not going to be forthcoming, however justified you feel your position to be.
Be specific and limit the scope of the fight to the issue at hand. Bring up one thing at a time. Dumping and clumping together all the past trespasses is a strict no-no.
Don't ever run away from, ridicule or ignore, an issue your partner feels is important. You might want to avoid like a plague, but you have to lend an ear and, it better be an understanding ear!
Don't give the silent treatment: you are not getting anywhere. You can lose even the most understanding, accommodating person with this childish behaviour.
No matter what the outcome, tell yourself that you will not stomp off, bang the door shut or leave for your parents' home. All this would make you a poor loser.
Don't bring up red-button issues or indulge in loaded digs while in company of others, however tempting it might be. Along with embarrassing your partner, you are guaranteed to lose respect and support of the present company.
What you need to be thinking about is not "Should I express my anger?" or even "How should I express my anger?" but "How can I communicate effectively to my partner about this issue so that s/he will do something about it. Next week, we will look into how to initiate, respond, negotiate and end a fight. Till then, hold off and hang in there.
CHITRA S. DANGER
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