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CUPID or PLATO?
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Can men and women remain friends? Just friends?
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When does friendship turn into something more serious? — Photo: S.R. Raghunathan
WHEN HARRY meets Sally, there can only be strong currents of sexual energy between them. Or so a generation was convinced by Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal. Some then asked this all-important question: can men and women be friends — just friends? People had asked this very question before the release of the cult film in the Eighties and not found an answer. People still ask the same question and are still groping for an answer.
Changing equations
The question is even more pertinent and tricky now with women taking up jobs that involve working with men for long hours, where continuous interaction is called for. Are we, going by the Harry and Sally theory, suggesting that sexual overtones underlie all these interactions?
Viswanathan, CFO of a leading multinational company, would disagree: "A close friendship need not translate into sex. I have some very close women friends. Today men and women work very closely and they have the opportunity to understand each other and form close friendships. Such friendships are very rewarding but totally non-sexual."
However, Manjari Bhatnagar, theatre personality, disagrees: "When the friendship is still at the nascent stage, the physical aspect does not come in. But beyond a certain stage, when there is a strong emotional bonding, there can be a weak moment, one of them can give in and then sex becomes inevitable. This is more the case in the film industry where attitudes are more liberal and work takes them frequently away from their families. Perhaps in other fields it is less likely, and a platonic relationship is possible."
Concurs Padmaja, a finance professional: "It is difficult to keep the relationship platonic if the bonding is very close. But it cannot be generalised." She adds that in case of either of the two being married, the question becomes a little more complex. "It then depends on the kind of relationship they have with their spouses."
But how do spouses react to such relationships? Does it prove to be a cause of anxiety and insecurity?
"It can be difficult for spouses," says Ajit Bhide, psychiatrist and consultant psychotherapist. "This is especially so if the other person is more attractive or more accomplished. It can then cause jealousy and insecurity. But it all depends on the kind of relationship the spouses share, the level of faith they repose in their partners." He says, however, that relationships are more likely to turn physical when both parties are single. "Here there's no prior commitment. Also, the relationship is more likely to remain platonic when there is an age gap between the two."
Suspicious society
But wouldn't a conservative society such as India look suspiciously at such relationships, immediately dubbing them "sinful"? "This is more likely to happen in smaller towns where there is a greater stigma attached to such close friendships. But this shouldn't be the case in larger cities," says Dr. Bhide.
Says Aakanksha, a final year microbiology student in Mount Carmel College: "It is very difficult not to let the physical attraction creep in, especially when you are young. Maybe when you are older, you know what you want and things are different then. Sometimes, the attitude of society too makes you think on those lines."
NANDHINI SUNDAR
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