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Remain in unwedded bliss
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Tired of nosey aunties trying to get you hitched? NISHA SUSAN has the essential guide to help you survive the wedding season
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SINGLE FUN You can have a wicked time at weddings, especially if you don't want to get married yourself Photo: A. ROY CHOWDURY
Singleton n. unmarried person; attributed to British author Helen Fielding. Cheerful Bridget Jones connotations as opposed to the more derogatory `spinster'.
Do you have Singleton blues during the wedding season? One day you were glamorously throwing rice. Suddenly you were caught by the pallu and grilled. "What about you? When are you getting married?" Since then, the happy social gatherings of the past have turned into nightmares.
Despair not. With this handy guide you can enjoy the Rs. 50,000-crore wedding season without being hustled to your own wedding. Our strategies will save you from "What About You?" attackers (henceforth WAYs).
Strategy Number One
Use your opponent's weight against her.
This strategy is good for those who are single, separated or divorced and have no intentions of getting married. Ever.
Combat the Small Talk subtype without having to defend your wonderful life. Singletons can simply say: "I can't get married because my parents have no money for the dowry." Yes, we know dowry is banned by the law but if the WAY does not run away, we guarantee a full refund. Here is a tactic for singletons in circles that have heard of queer people but are not sure whether they like what they have heard. Say: "I can't get married because the law does not permit me to do so."
Strategy Number Two
Forget the generation gap.
This one is for those who are currently single, would like to get married at some point in life, but would like to enjoy other people's weddings right now.
First, you are not very different from WAYs. Somewhere within you is a repository of knowledge about the ideal boy/girl. Use it. For instance, if you are a woman who is currently single because all the interesting men are growing marijuana in their balcony and their peddlers do home delivery, use this in your favour. Tell WAY in a worried tone: "I am very scared, Aunty. Everybody is... you know... drugs, Aunty... even the ones who look decent." WAY will be amazed at your maturity, sympathise and go away.
Strategy Number Three
Don't get mad. Get evil.
You know the attacker's intentions are purely feline. Get rid of them and join the impromptu bhangra session happening in the corner. You are a woman being needled by a smug married woman at every wedding that she sees you. Say "S— , I can't believe you are being so kind to me. In spite of all your problems! Have you tried a domestic violence helpline?" While she is spluttering, hoist your tussar and run, Lola, run.
Strategy Number Four
Don't look so suitable.
This strategy is for those about to marry someone the family thoroughly disapproves of or will thoroughly disapprove of. You need to keep secret your plans to get married to a Russian by the full moon on a hilltop while indigenous people from Jharkhand play drums. You don't want some trigger-happy WAY to arrange for you to meet a good girl. You know the Jane Austen drill. Every time the busybody comes along, clutch an arrack cocktail or a member of the opposite (or same) sex and look tired. A hint of alcoholism or debauchery goes a long way.
Air dogma ("Marriage is a heteronormist, exclusionary, patriarchal institution that promotes monogamy.") The appraising WAY will look elsewhere. In liberal circles, change tack. Announce that you believe in monogamy, dowry and occasional wife-beating. The woman in red Dhaka cotton, who was planning to give you her daughter and a large rural NGO, will shudder at her own lapse in judgment.
Strategy Number Five
"Bhaag ja, Pooja beti, bhaag ja."
Enlist older married adult to congratulate you on your good sense in postponing or eschewing the leg-shackle. She can remind the WAYs of all the times they have wished aloud they were single again. While they are laughing you can escape towards trifle pudding.
Strategy Number Six
It ain't so cool inside the Ark.
Look, at some point your singleton status will look not so great. In the quiet hours when everybody is pleasantly tired on red velvet chairs, watch out for a creeping sadness. You are overwhelmed by couples. The pretty young mother-and-child makes you teary. You want to get married now with maamis in nine-yard saris softly singing "Seeta Kalyana..." Quickly locate your singleton friends. Make the après-wedding plans that the married people have no time or energy for. Remind yourself that the Botticelli infant sleeping in mama's lap now was shrieking throughout the morning church service and will wail in the car ride home.
Ever wondered what "social pressure to get married" is? This is it, the pervasive unhappiness driving you to the pheras by the end of the season. The thing to keep sight of is that at the end of the festivities, you can go home. Alone. So grin at the social institutions.
Tomorrow's class: What to say to phirangs who try to experience "Indian culture" by attending your cousin's wedding.
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