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The nowhere kids
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Shuttling between two broken worlds, kids of divorced parents remain scarred for life
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When a divorce is being contemplated, it is initially the couple's life that is the first consideration. The kids are nowhere in the picture. Their emotions are secondary.Life is painful both for the divorcing couple as well as the children. Often, the children have to make the maximum adjustments, compromises and sacrifices. They are torn between the parents and have to make difficult choices. Usually, the separated parents are busy with their careers or adjusting to new partners and family. These children find their things strewn over both the houses.
"When I have to cart things between both the houses I always realise my books for the weekend or sports gear are often forgotten; or some important assignment is on the desktop of the other computer. I usually feel incomplete in either of the houses," says Girish, a Class 9 student.
Shuttlecock society
"When parents become part of the statistics of the divorcé data then the children involved go on to become elements of a shuttlecock society. Their weeks and vacations are spent commuting between the estranged parents. Generally, in 90 per cent cases, the parents get to make the choice. But children, being bold individuals, don't like to be passed around like some shared commodity," says Gopinath, a child psychologist.
"I love both my parents, but do they love me enough to stay together? I don't like to move around with the driver. I am unable to make them realise how I feel about this ferrying lifestyle," says Tanya Joseph, a nine-year-old girl.
Sometimes the children are given the benefit of making the choice. But it is a tricky situation and the true feelings of the children usually remain locked in their minds. They want to be diplomatic and not hurt either parent. After a while it erupts in the form of hyper activity or unusual behaviour. Sometimes children resort to extreme steps like opting to stay only with the grandparents or in hostels. This gives them more control over their lives.
The biggest threat comes from the rivalry of the stepsiblings. This is another battle the children have to prepare for psychologically, because they will have siblings from either side. When the children go to the other parent's house to spend the weekend or vacation they feel that the love and attention of the parent along with the space, is divided among all the siblings. This gives room to jealousy. Parents need to take control of the situation here. "When my daughter told me her true feelings about her disconnected life it was devastating for me. At a tender age, she had to go through such turmoil in life. I realised we had failed them as parents to give them a secure life. But it was too late. She was also occasionally ridiculed in class as she lived in two houses," says Sarah Pradeep, mother of Tanya Joseph, caught in the cobweb of relationships.
For decades, studies have been conducted on how children feel about such delicate situations. Not every child would come out in the open about their genuine feelings as to how they feel about the divorce. Many talk shows, movies and serials have dealt with the subject. But the pain persists and kids are thrown into a life devoid of peace.
(Some names changed on request)
JESSINA ABOOBACKER
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