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Papa doesn't preach, he pampers

Move over stereotypes. Today's dads are cool when it comes to raising kids, says VIMIDA M. DAS

ROLE REVERSAL Fathers are taking small steps towards changing their role in child rearing PHOTO: Shaju John

An activity book for children reads thus: "In the morning my mother cooks for me. She gives me a bath and feeds me. My father reads the newspaper. He gets ready for the office and drops me at school."

Such stereotyped representation of parenting might change soon if women today have anything to do with it. The mother's role has long been associated with feeding, bathing, putting kids to sleep and changing diapers. Mothers continue to carry on with these functions. But there is a change. And that is in the father's role.

New expectations

There might still be those fathers who play with the child but the moment the child starts crying, they thrust it into the mother's hands. But women are not taking this attitude anymore. "If the child was brought into this world by mutual consent, then why should one person shoulder all the responsibility of bringing him or her up? There is more to bringing up a child than just looking after its financial needs. I would never consider marrying a man who thought looking after his own child was something menial," says Ramya, a call-centre executive.

It is not that women are shying away from the responsibility of looking after the child. It is just that they have a new understanding of parenting. A child needs one parent as much as it needs the other. Soon-to-be-married Abida Parveen says, "I would want my future husband to play an active role in child rearing and not just be a stand-in mother when I'm not there! Bringing up children is 24/7 work and both the parents should contribute. If either of them does less, the child's happiness is compromised."

Men are changing with the times. There are more men coming forward to help their spouses with children. They do this not as a favour, but out of affection for their child. Take the case of Simi, mother of an eight-month-old, "Most of the times when my husband does things for my child like putting him to sleep or changing his soiled clothes, it is for the sheer joy of parenting.

He likes being with our son and likes doing things for him. There are occasions when he hesitates, like when feeding the child, but more often than not, he shares the responsibility."

A new kind of father is emerging these days, the caring kind. They are progressive in their thinking and don't care two hoots about established norms in society.

"My husband doesn't help me with the children — I help him. He does everything for them. Apart from home work, which is my arena, he takes total care of them," says Meenakshi, a working mother with two sons.

Transforming society

Sociologist Henel Jackson attributes the altered outlook to changing family structures. "As people are moving from joint families to nuclear families, the inter-dependence of husband and wife is increasing. They have no other option but to share household and child rearing activities."

Another reason could be that more women are opting to go out for work.

This does not leave them much time to take care of the child and it helps to have a caring husband. As women rub shoulders with men and match them stride for stride in every walk of life, men too have their traditional roles modified.

Even if the mother doesn't go out for work, she expects her husband to contribute. Tulika is a stay-at-home-mother.

She says, "It is the responsibility of the father to look after the child and share in the upbringing regardless of whether I work or not. My husband can't help in the mornings as he is in a hurry to leave for office. As I have nowhere to rush to, looking after our daughter in the mornings is my duty. But in the evenings, it is he who takes over. Whoever is available at the moment, watches over her."

Women who are not employed might have more time available for the child but men can't use this as an excuse to escape looking after the child. As Simi puts it, "I can accept that nothing can take the place of a mother's love, but a father still has to do his bit."

Image problems

Some men take care of children in private, but not in public. Like Tulika says, "My husband is normally very helpful and takes good care of our daughter. But in public, he has qualms about certain things — like feeding her." There are still men out there who feel that cradling a baby in their arms might damage their macho image. But here is what Divya, a 25-year-old proofreader has to tell them: "Looking after a child doesn't make a man less manly, it makes him seem more of a man! Besides, it is not a question of being manly but a question of being fatherly."

Childcare is definitely more important than a "manly" image. A father cannot let his superfluous ego or image come in the way of showing love for his child.

Fathers are taking small, baby steps, towards changing their role in child rearing.

As women revolutionise the world with a new working order, the men, too, are slowly revolutionising the home front. They care and dare to show that they care. And guess what? That's exactly what women want.

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