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It sometimes pays to say "no"

People-pleasing is a fairly widespread disorder. But the fallout of saying `no' is not as serious as you think

By the time Neeta dashes into the office without her earrings, she has organised lunch for mother-in-law who's apparently in good health, ironed her husband's clothes and paid the telephone bill. In the office, she goes through the day's work, agrees to look for files long given up for lost, says "Yes" when asked to build the address database, hesitates only a second before...

Back home, she plays hostess to cousins visiting the city and learns that her son's friend is staying over. "I put the mattresses out, but have got to make the beds," she hurries out. "Yes, I'm stressed out, but who has the time for a break?"

Neeta suffers from the "Yes" disease. If you are half like her, add "basket case" to a description of yourself. You say "yes" when you actually want to say "no".

Pleasing everyone

But be comforted. People-pleasing is a fairly widespread disorder. Symptom: you feel it's an honour to help, you don't have the courage to say "no" even to an unreasonable demand and your guiltmeter shoots up if you choose to beg off.

As a child, you probably did your brother/sister's homework, in college, finished a paper for a friend. And now, the boss, co-workers and family know which door to knock to get "boring" work done.

People may not nod at once. But it takes only a few clever words to turn their "no" into "yes". "My husband will make a face if I ask him to iron his own clothes. My son gets angry if the snack is not on the table." There it is. Of course, you can't say no to every plea. Nor will you want to. But do you want to be that ever-accommodating person at the cost of your health and happiness?

"I say yes to avoid confrontation," says Lalitha Vaidyanath, who owns Iced Pepper Creative Designing. "I am an inveterate `yes' person, but I guess it's out of a sense of duty. Except when I'm severely stressed, I am likely to help out. Yeah, I do give in to my kids. I know they take advantage, but... " she shrugs and adds an interesting twist. "It may have something to do with birth order. I am a middle child. Middle kids are usually milder, softer and tend to be bullied."

"It's called dependent personality syndrome or DPS," says psychiatrist Dr. Mohan Raj. "People with DPS crave for acceptance. They believe they will be loved and respected only if they please others. They take up more than they can handle and live in a perpetual state of strain. DPS candidates are worried about rejection, which stems from deficient self-worth." Rewind to early upbringing, he says. The child is made to feel he/she needs to excel to get parental approval and love.

Fast forward. He steps into adulthood convinced he has to prove his worth at every step. Not exactly the path to health or happiness.

Can we fix this ourselves before an appointment with the therapist? Yes, says Dr. Raj. Think. If you feel your friend will mistake you for turning down his request, do you deserve that friendship? Should you be out uplifting humanity while your relationship with the spouse spirals down? Wait a minute, doc. Can you say "no" to the boss? "Not on his face. But you can certainly explain that you're involved in other projects and if you took up this one, they would be delayed. If that's fine ... If you are a sincere worker, the boss is bound to understand. However, if the boss thinks you'll complete it even if you are loaded with work, you have a genuine problem. Do not allow anyone to take advantage of you."

What happens when kids whine, "You'll do it if you love me"? This is a neatly laid trap. If the kid is old enough to do the work, give him a good ticking off. There are lots of ways of sharing love.

"Don't overdo the parenting bit. For their own sense of security, parents keep the kid dependent on them. Haven't you noticed moms tying shoelaces for ten-year-olds or doing their project work? The kid carries the dependence syndrome and later, if the spouse comes from a background where independence is religion, the marriage climbs rocks."

Any self-help mantra? Yes. If you can't, you can't. If your mind says, "What, more work?" say "no" politely but firmly. You can't say, "I'll do it" and struggle to squeeze it in. Shouldn't you be honest with yourself? Accept you have a problem. Work on it. Kids say no easily, do you stop loving them?

If you can't grow out of it, seek therapy. Remember, the fallout of saying no is not as serious as you think.

GEETA PADMANABHAN

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