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The art of saying no

People-pleasing is a fairly widespread disorder. But the fallout of saying no is not as serious as you think

By the time Neeta dashes into the office minus her earrings, she has organised lunch for mother-in-law who's apparently in good health, ironed her husband's clothes, and paid the phone bill. In the office, she goes through the day's work, agrees to look for files long given up for lost, says "Yes" when asked to build the address database, hesitates only a second before...

Back home, she plays hostess to cousins visiting the city and learns that her son's friend is staying over. "I put the mattresses out, but have got to make the beds," she hurries out. "Yes, I'm stressed out, but who has the time for a break?"

Neeta suffers from the "Yes" disease. If you are half like her, add "basket case" to the description of yourself. You say yes when you actually want to say no.

Pleasing everyone

But be comforted. People-pleasing is a fairly widespread disorder. Symptom: you feel obliged to help, you don't have the courage to say no even to an unreasonable demand and your guiltmeter shoots up if you choose to cry off.

As a child, you probably did your sibling's homework; in college, finished a paper for a friend. ("You are really great! I'll xerox it, yaar.") And now, the boss, co-workers and family know which door to knock to get the boring work done.

You may not nod at once. But it takes only a few clever words to turn your no into yes. "My husband will pull a face if I ask him to iron his own clothes. My son gets angry if the snack is not on the table." There it is.

Of course, you can't say no to every plea. Nor would you want to. But do you want to be that ever-accommodating person at the cost of your space, health and happiness?

"I say yes to avoid confrontation," says Lalitha Vaidyanath, who owns a creative designing outfit. "I am an inveterate yes person, but I guess it's out of a sense of duty. Except when I'm severely stressed, I am likely to help out. Yeah, I do give in to my kids. I know they take advantage, but... " she shrugs and adds an interesting twist. "It may have something to do with birth order. I am a middle child. Middle kids are usually milder, softer, and tend to be bullied."

"It's called dependent personality syndrome or DPS," says psychiatrist Mohan Raj. "People with DPS crave for acceptance. They believe they will be loved and respected only if they please others. They take up more than they can handle and live in a perpetual state of strain. DPS candidates are worried about rejection, which stems from deficient self-worth."

Rewind to early upbringing, he says. The child is made to feel he/she needs to excel to get parental approval and love.

Fast forward. He steps into adulthood convinced he has to prove his worth at every step. Not exactly the path to health or happiness.

Can we fix this ourselves before an appointment with the therapist? Yes, says Dr. Raj. Think. If you feel your friend will resent your turning down his request, do you deserve that friendship? Should you be out uplifting humanity while your relationship with the spouse spirals down?

Wait a minute, doc. Can you say no to the boss? "Not on his face. But you can certainly explain that you're involved in other projects and if you took up this one, they would be delayed. If that's fine ... If you are a sincere worker, the boss is bound to understand. However, if the boss thinks you'll complete it even if you are loaded with work, you have a genuine problem. Do not allow anyone to take advantage of you."

What happens when kids whine, "You'll do it if you love me"? This is a neatly laid trap. If the kid is old enough to do the work himself, give him a good ticking off. There are lots of ways of sharing love.

Overdoing parenting

"Don't overdo the parenting bit. For their own sense of security, parents keep the kid dependent on them. Haven't you noticed moms tying shoelaces for 10-year-olds or doing their project work? The kid carries the dependence syndrome and later, if the spouse comes from a background where independence is religion, the marriage climbs rocks."

Any self-help mantra? Yes. If you can't, you can't. If your mind says, "What, more work?" say "no" politely but firmly. You can't say, "I'll do it" and struggle to squeeze it in. Shouldn't you be honest with yourself? Accept you have a problem. Work on it. Kids say no easily, do you stop loving them?

If you can't grow out of it, seek therapy. Remember, the fallout of saying no is not as serious as you think.

Tips from The Book of No by Susan Newman

Keep your needs in the forefront so saying no is possible

Repeat no until you are heard

Refuse anyone who insists on an immediate answer

Turn down those who attempt to con you into a yes

Avoid tasks beyond your ability or expertise

GEETHA PADMANABHAN

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