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Handle with extreme care
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Children should not be made pawns when a marriage breaks up
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REASSURANCE Children need constant care and attention Photo: Shaju John
The rate of divorce is on the increase in India, and perhaps the worst affected are children.
Pain, anger, confusion, hate, bitterness and self doubt are the kind of thoughts that go through the young mind of a child whose parents divorce.
No matter how miserable the marriage might have been, divorce comes as a shock to the child.
They feel afraid of the future, are gripped with anxiety and are hurt by the rejection that they feel when one of the parents moves out. This remains with them throughout their lives.
They begin to lose interest in their social life and schoolwork. Most of the time, they blame themselves for the divorce, thinking ... `maybe if I was a better boy, mummy/papa would have stayed.'
If divorce is unavoidable, how then, can we make this a less traumatic event for the child in question.
Maybe a look at what you can do can help your child make the necessary but difficult adjustment to divorce.
Breaking the news
No matter how young the child is, he should be told about the divorce as gently as possible.
This difficult task can be accomplished with both parents talking to the child.
This is to assure him that both his mother and father will still be actively involved in his life.
The blame game
It may appear necessary for parents to blame their spouses for the failed marriage, but avoid telling your child all the gory details. So whatever the reason, telling your child about it will only wound and confuse him further. This is because it will oblige him to judge the parent and take sides.
Is it me?
Children need to know that they have not caused the divorce. Young children tend to see the world from their perspective and think the world revolves around them. They become tortured by guilt, thinking they have done something to deserve this.
This is final
Children hold the fantasy that someday their parents will get back together. It is this fantasy that keeps them from facing reality and coming to terms with the truth.
Facing the truth will help them to deal with the pain effectively.
Fear of abandonment
Children need to be reassured that they will continue to be taken care of. Custodial rights need to be explained clearly.
They should be told that that the separation is from the spouse and not the child, and that you will continue to be their parent.
You may think this is understood but your child does not think like you. You need to explain.
Raising the white flag
Fighting parents should make an effort not to fight when in the company of their children. They need not be friends but they can make the welfare of their children their common goal.
Children should not be used as weapons and should by no means be used as messengers for angry retorts, asked to chose sides or discuss money.
Parents who do this are plain selfish and are risking their child's welfare for their own gratification.
Minimal change
There should be as little change as possible in the life of the child who is already dealing with a stressful event. So postpone taking a new job or shifting home unless you feel confident of your child's adjustment.
Take the help of an elder person or a trusted friend to help you make your child understand and cope.
When we bring a child into the world, we do not intend to hurt it in anyway. This feeling should not end there.
Children need constant care and attention. There is no one better than a parent who can care for the child.
If we cannot find a way out, let us, at least give our children a chance to find a silver lining in every cloud they see, by giving them the gift of hope, love and security even in the eye of a storm.
FIONA SCOTT
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