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They deserve special care

Only informed parents will be able to help a differently-abled child

Photo: R. Ragu

SHOWING LOVE Despite all odds PHOTO: R. RAGU

Parents who have a child with a disability or a chronic illness know that they face an uphill task. Conditions such as impaired hearing, impaired vision, developmental challenges, cerebral palsy, learning disabilities and emotional disabilities fall broadly under this category. Besides all the technical and medical difficulties parents face, they have yet another stumbling block to overcome — dealing with their own fears, guilt and insecurities. Unless they are able to control their feelings, taking care of the child in the best possible manner is difficult.

Coping with grief

Grief is perhaps the first emotion that parents go through. We do not expect a child to be less than perfect. So grief is understandable and normal. The stages of grief follow a pattern: shock, denial, sadness, anger and, finally, accommodation. Grief becomes worrisome when, even after a period of time, one or both parents stops functioning and becomes extremely withdrawn.

Reliving the pregnancy and believing that you are responsible for the situation is a universal reaction. Despite reassurances from medical professionals, that it is an unfortunate accident, parents go on blaming themselves and begin to live in the `if only' zone. "If only I hadn't taken that medicine, none of this would have happened."

Once parents come to terms with the child's condition, it is essential for them to find out as much as possible about it. Information from doctors, books and the Internet can all be compiled into a file that can be kept ready for your reference and for others who want to help. Organising hospital visits, therapy sessions, diagnostic tests and school visits can be quite overwhelming and here, it becomes important to seek the help of someone you trust. Do not label your child according to his disability. He is a human being first and despite all the challenges life has thrown at him, there is a person underneath it all who is just as normal as anyone else. So develop an understanding of how he responds to a situation, what makes him happy, what frustrates him and you will find yourself becoming more comfortable with your child.

Being a parent of a disabled child can be physically and emotionally exhausting. Your other children may feel this child is getting all the attention and may begin to resent their sibling.

It is a difficult balance to maintain, especially when there are severe time constraints.

Perhaps telling your children that you love them and involving them in the care of their brother or sister may help them realise that there is no mystery behind this and they may also develop a love and compassion they never felt before.

The relationship between husband and wife may also deteriorate because of the tremendous pressure and it takes open communication, love, support and trust to maintain the relationship.

Separation anxiety

Sometimes you may feel like taking a break and this is quite understandable. Leaving your child in someone else's care can be quite difficult.

This is because you and your child will go through the pangs of separation anxiety as with any other parent and child. Neglecting yourself and your needs will only lead to resentment towards yourself and your child in the long run. You can only give your best when you feel your best.

Taking care of a disabled child definitely takes it toll.

But many parents also express how loving their child strengthens the bond between both parents, as they look to the future, uncertain of the challenges but certain of the love they feel for their child.

FIONA SCOTT

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