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Child hierarchy

No matter what birth order the child comes, he should always be treated equal to the others, writes Fiona Scott

NO CAT FIGHTS Children should have their parents undivided attention

It is often believed that birth order is an important determiner of personality. Birth order is the order in which children are born. Firstborn children seek to maintain the status quo and tend to be more conservative as adults and later-born children are more adventurous and welcome change in their lifestyles. This view appears to be too simplistic but there might be a grain of truth in it.

The firstborn child

The firstborn gets his parents undivided attention, energy and love at least until the second child is born. Consequently he wants to maintain this state of affairs, because it is extremely satisfying to him.

Nowadays, many parents are having just one child and contrary to popular belief, only children grow up as happily as a child with brothers and sisters.

However, we have to try and avoid pinning all our hopes and dreams on this one child because it is indeed too much of a burden for a child to carry.

Many firstborn children grow up well adjusted, but some of them have harder time adjusting to their environments. This is because the first baby does get fussed over more than necessary. This leaves him with little or no chance of developing his own interests. He gets picked more often, is always spoken too first, is shown off to other adults too much, his parents hang over his bed when he is sick, when he is naughty, a very serious view of his behaviour is taken. All this leads him to believe that the universe revolves around him. What should you do? Where should you draw the line?

You don't need to ignore him of course, he needs your attention love and care. Make sure he is independent enough, let him play his own games as long as he is happy without interfering or scolding him.

Give him a chance to start the conversation instead of always greeting him first. When visitors come let him take the initiative. Avoid showing him off all the time. This will make him self -conscious. When he comes to you for play, be warm and friendly but let him go back to whatever he wants to pursue.

Don't try too hard, this makes you appear too serious. Don't be afraid to relax.

The middle child

Later born children have never had their parents undivided attention and have always had compete with at least one sibling for this attention. Consequently they like to stir things up in order to get the attention they are craving.

Older and youngest children are often considered special by their parents and this tends to make the middle child feel quite left out. Avoid comparing him to his siblings. If he knows that you love and appreciate him for all his strengths and weaknesses, then he grows up to be well adjusted.

The youngest child

We often hear parents say, "He'll always be my baby". There is nothing wrong with feeling like this as long as it does not interfere with the child's normal development.

On the other hand there may be parents who feel disappointed with their previous children. Maybe they did not get the star athlete or scholar they were hoping for and they put too much pressure on their youngest in order to fulfil the dreams they have. It is also possible that they may have wanted a boy to carry on the family name and the youngest child- a girl is left with the feeling that there is something wrong with her.

What has to be remembered is that it is not necessary for parents to speak directly about this to their children. Children pick up these feelings as they are in tune with and are sensitive to their parent's thoughts and expectations.

Are parents meant to love all their children equally? This question worries a lot of concerned parents. This is because they suspect that they feel differently about each of their children.

This is quite a normal feeling because no two children are alike, and we feel differently about each child because each one responds to us differently according to their temperaments. What is important is that we want the best for each one and we make each one feel loved for what they are and not what we want them to be.

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