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Cain and Abel factor

Sibling rivalry can disrupt family harmony. A congenial environment can easily sort the discord

NECK AND NECK The need to be one up against the other Photo:VipinChandran

Left uncared and not managed properly this `Sib-Riv' problem can disrupt the happiness of the family . It can disrupt the tolerance and respect of all those involved, mildly or at times severely.

Here is a case to illustrate this . James (names have been changed to protect the identity) is a bright and healthy 12-year-old boy, hailing from an affluent family. His younger brother, Alfred, 10, is slightly autistic and needs special attention and care from his parents. James is aware of the situation, but feels annoyed with Alfred, admonishes and calls him `a grumbler,' `lousy,' etc. James had started complaining to his mother about his brotherly right when he was just six years of age.

Daily routine

The usual refrain would be that she loved him much less than Alfred and that his father scolded and neglected him. For the parents, unfortunately, this rivalry between the boys had become a part of their daily life. "If they played badminton," reiterates the mother, "one would end up chasing the other with the racquet. And if Alfred happened to be within reach, James would hit him with an intention to hurt him."

Generally, every family with more than one child experiences sibling rivalry and children often compete with each other to gain attention from their parents. First-born children don't have to share their parent's love and affection. But when the second one comes along, the elder one finds the love and affection shared. He feels sidelined, unattended. And if the parents, deliberately or casually switch their loyalties to the newborn child, the elder one feels forlorn or forsaken. This is likely to produce a regressive behaviour and as a consequence, other psychological problems follow.

Bedwetting

This is one of the reasons for bedwetting, thumb sucking or nail biting. The coming of the second child without preparing the first child, mentally and emotionally, is analogically like a man bringing in a beautiful woman to the house and introducing her to his wife without any sort of prior intimation. This can create a terrible impact on the person.

The frustration and feeling of `being unloved' very often developed by the first-born can be remedied by implementing effective, useful, positive moves and approaches.

Sally, the mother of the six-year-old Diana, showed her the second child in her womb on the monitor and even allowed her to watch the child's heart beat, when she went for her ultrasound test. Sally made the first born child important and prepared her to accept and love her sibling. Siblings with wider age gaps may tend to teach the younger ones social, manual and daily living skills, almost like a parent surrogate. Rivalry, hostility and bickering between the siblings are usually found greater when the age difference is insignificant. But, if the siblings are below the age of four, even if their needs, wishes and gratifications are postponed, they are seen with amicable interactions.

Exaggerated in twins

In the case of twins, rivalry between them may be exaggerated for reasons that they are of the same age and in the same developmental stage. The manifesting aggression among them may be hitting, biting or hair-pulling. Timeout techniques and eliminating the severe aggressor from the situation are some of the problem solving procedures.

Personality factor plays a significant part in sibling rivalry. For example, the behaviour of some babies may be calm and passive right from the beginning of their developmental stages, while of others may be hostile or hyperactive. Parents, if they can evaluate children properly and understand their merits and demerits adequately, can help turn their children into sources of strength as they mature. Parental disharmony, discords, conflicts and poor inter-personal relationships can also produce sibling rivalry, for the interactions of children often mirror those they see at home.

Parents intervention

During conflicts and fights between the siblings, it is better that parents intervene as little as possible. Isolating the aggressor is another effective way to prevent rivalry. Patience and persistence may be considered as the main keys to resolve conflicts. Quick fix solutions may turn futile and ineffective. Above all the pressures of modern living also amplify the hostilities and rivalries between siblings. For example, if both the parents are working outside the home, the insufficient time spent together or the time spent alone with the child and many such psychological factors can precipitate sibling rivalry.

It is a familiar, but transient phenomenon despite all the hassles that go along with the problem. Given adequate parental emotional support, and a congenial environment, sibling rivalry can be annulled or can be turned to give children lessons of tolerance, love and respect.

C. P. SOMASUNDARAM

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