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Husband at home?

Men view retirement as a setback. So what do they do to keep themselves busy?

Here's cheery news for women whose husbands have retired and chosen to stay at home — and nag. Japanese author Sayoko Nishida's book Why are retired husbands such a nuisance? is a hit. In an interview, she said: "My husband reached retirement and was always in the house. One of the worst things was having to make his lunch."

The retiree-at-home is a phenomenon. Life in an office cubicle leaves men with little time (or inclination) to cultivate hobbies, wrote Nashida. Wives, in the meantime, get used to their being away. Some actually begin to enjoy the arrangement. A 54-year-old school principal, whose wife divorced him and began a new career, said: "All I did at home was sleep. I quite understand how my wife felt." Japanese retirees are nicknamed `wet leaves' for their tendency to cling to their wives. "Japanese men's life expectancy falls by about 10 years if they divorce late in life," she said. "That's because they can't do anything for themselves."

The balancing act

Take this to a group of women chatting. "So what's new?" they yawn. "A lot of us have gone through the Retired Husband Syndrome (symptoms: headaches, a short fuse, skin rashes and, in some cases, ulcer). It's quite a job balancing relationships in the twilight years." Sadly, many couples have only bitterness and emotional disconnect to show for 30-odd years together.

A government official's wife, however, has pulled a coup of sorts. "My husband went into academics. I packed his lunch till he was 72, and told him to quit. I said I was retiring from running the house. Now he maintains financial records, pays the bills and does the shopping. We travel together."

Not everyone is as successful. In about half an hour, the group rattles off a page full of woes like:

- Familiarity breeds contempt. He thinks I just sit around, and says: "Why isn't the floor clean?" He nitpicks.

- He thinks I'm still in my 20s. Expects coffee and even water to be served where he's sitting. I should forever be prepared for a change in plans — mine and his.

- He wants to manage the servants. "How can you let her go so soon? Why do you allow her to take the Tupperware home?"

- He believes I'm his PA/cook/office boy. He demands made-to-order meals. I can't go out without cooking his food.

- He surfs TV channels all day and needs the fan running in full speed. Says he can't hear. The house is like a wayside tea shop/election meeting/temple festival/ market/bus stand.

- He retired as an accountant. He should have been a commentator. He reads three newspapers and has an opinion on everything.

- Wants to control what I spend. Never happened before. He doesn't like me going out with my friends. I think he's jealous.

- He doesn't keep well. It's something he ate — and ate and ate.

Their space

Uma Vaidyanathan has given the issue some thought. Her husband is retiring soon. "Men have to find ways of engaging themselves usefully," she says. "They must understand we need our space. We don't see eye-to-eye on most things."

She has suggestions for what retirees can do. Like starting a friends' circle, reading and recording for the visually handicapped, active participation in residents' associations, clubs, gardening, tuitions and organising community tours. They could also play a more constructive role in the kitchen, and gradually take over washing, drying and folding clothes.

"It is a problem when men do not prepare for retirement," says family counsellor Brinda Jayaraman. "Men think of it as a setback. They head large departments, and with all the workplace pampering, return home clueless to run their own lives. It gets worse if the kids are around. The son picks up the newspaper, and our ex-VP feels he's lost his importance. Men must come to terms with their changed roles, get ready to pitch in with housework. Most have set ideas about women's duties. How many will change a grandchild's diaper?"

Uma Maheshwari, a professor, empathises with the back-home hero. "The first two days after I stopped working, I felt awful. Then I went to temples and visited people. It took me some time to realise that I am actually free to do what I want." She agrees women adjust better.

When the husband settles down, the wife's health suffers. Says a doctor: "A retired husband can be a boon to a working woman. Imagine getting back to find the laundry done and dinner cooked." Brinda has a word for women. "Saying, `Why can't he find another job?' won't help at all. The couple must make a conscious decision to reinforce their relationship. They must find common interests; develop the right attitude to forge a new life. Conversation shouldn't cut back to past conflicts, hurts and mistakes. It should be about the initial days of being together. It's possible to bring romance back into life."

A spokesman for the retirees group casts the deciding vote: "We have a long life ahead of us. It is better we spend that time enjoying each other's company. Doing more around the house is a small price to pay."

GEETA PADMANABHAN

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