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Family matters

On the International Day of Families it is time to ask where the great Indian family is heading, says Anima Balakrishnan

Photo: K. Ananthan

RELATIONSHIPS Changing equations

Is it right to say the story itself began on the wrong note? Adam and Eve did not get it right — they had Cain and Abel to show for it. Scheming wives and idealistic sons brought Dasharatha's world crumbling down. And well, the Mahabharatha is all about families at war!

So, the family has never had it smooth. The future of the family is debated ad nauseum by friends and foes alike and sociologists have always added their own theories. But, despite the doomed joint family, working women, boarding schools, old age homes and even the IT generation — the Indian family has survived it all.

D-Day

It is International Day of Families today and it is time to pop the question once again — where is the great Indian family headed?

"The family is definitely going through a bad phase," observes author Shashi Deshpande. "It has become increasingly difficult to give it the required commitment," she says. With nuclear families being the norm, where the world begins with oneself and ends with the parents, the pointers are none too pleasant.

"In the absence of buffers like grandparents or extended family, we are becoming increasingly neurotic," points out V. Ponni Muralidharan, consultant psychiatrist, KG Hospital. With children flying the coop early and effective communication gaps in place, the focus is on battling imaginary ailments. "We forever wonder what is ailing us," she says.

The joint family, with all its ills, is not all bad, many realise. "As children, we took up responsibilities early, be it towards siblings or even old parents," says Deshpande. Maybe, children of today are emotionally unequipped, she wonders.

What is probably lost in the din of `earn more and spend more' mantra is the value of hard work and the concept of saving money; the lifelines of a joint family.

Idea redefined

Still, in this tumult, the family has never ceased to be important, says M. Navaneetha, a 27-year-old research scholar. "In the absence of an alternative, the idea of a family is being redefined and made more fluid," she believes.

Agrees Leelavathy Sekar, Director, Centre for Women's Studies, Avinashilingam Deemed University, "For the family, it is transition time. Families today are more about orienting children to face the society and preparing them for a career," she observes.

"The idea of the family has been narrowed, where it is just the father, mother and children," says Navaneetha. There is a paranoia about it today, she remarks and draws attention to the increasing family suicides in Kerala, that was not prevalent before. "The belief that the children cannot take care of themselves prompt parents to take the kids along with them in death," she adds.

Even for those who lived away from families while they were growing up, the family remained a presence.

"Though I have been in hostels since I was seven, I realised that family was always there even if in the distance, while friends seemed to come and go," says Anna Mookken, a young mother.

"I always waited for the letters from home and never did anything that was not allowed by those at home," she adds.

Return to the fold

With working parents being the pattern, Dr. Ponni points out that conduct disorders arising from dysfunctional families are on the rise. But it is also prompting many to return to the family.

"Soon the economic benefits will be outweighed by the emotional necessities," says Dr. Leelavathy. "When we look back, we realise we have missed the boat and the need to nurture the family will be felt again," she says.

Deshpande believes there is no substitute to the family and the need is to work within the prescribed limits. "It is precious as it is our point of reference with ourselves and the emotional centre of our life," she asserts.

Deshpande is of the opinion that however fast-paced life is, the family will begin to matter eventually, "Every person still longs for a family and all those who do not are leading a poverty- stricken life," she says.

But there is consensus that the going will be tough.

"I think families need to work harder to stay together. Peer pressure is so much more now," says Anna.

"I hope my daughter will learn to trust and believe in her family and will not be swayed by those who haven't been lucky enough to belong to a real one," she concludes.

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