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Let live and let go

Gone are the days when parents exercised authoritarian control over children's life choices. The new family is veering the democratic way says Rakesh Mehar on International Day of the Family

ON ONE'S OWN Most parents now allow their children to take their own decisions Photo: P.V. Sivakumar

The old days — a simpler time in life, when children were "good and obedient", and "because I told you so" was reason enough to make the little critters toe the line. As the world has changed, however, children have too. And while many parents struggle with adapting to family structures based on democratic choices, they increasingly understand that children must be allowed to do their own thing.

Career choices are perhaps the most easily available example of the changing perspectives of families. While the "doctor, engineer or loser" mantra hasn't let up yet, there is a growing minority of parents who are letting their children choose their own career paths. Like Mayuri Parameswaran, who runs a kindergarten school called Jingle Bells in B.T.M. Layout. Years ago, when she and her husband were trying to get their son admitted into Valley School, they were asked what they would do if their son wanted to be an engine driver. Pat came the reply from her husband, she says: "I hope he becomes the best engine driver in the world." Today, her son is a rock musician while his freelance writing pays the bills.

Dehumanising

Or take the case of M. Sreedhara Murthy, a professor of psychology, whose daughter is studying for her Bachelor of Fine Arts, a course with a growing, dedicated following. After years of seeing dehumanised, "career-oriented" children, he decided that the best parenting method is to leave children well enough alone. "My father knew I was in the 10th standard only when he had to sign the documents for my exam application. I enjoyed a lack of parental pressure, and I think my daughter is enjoying it too. The idea of good parenting is just a myth," he asserts.

Indeed many psychologists insist that a moderate hands-off method is the best way to raise children. Experiential learning, they say, is one of the best ways to be equipped for life.

It isn't just career choices that families are more democratic about either. Even fundamental lifestyle options such as religion, which were once taken for granted, aren't anymore. For instance, Arun Nayak, an advertising professional and a Hindu by birth, says he hasn't had his son's thread ceremony done because he feels it's not his decision to make. "I'm leaving it to him. If when he is older, he feels that he should follow rituals and formalise his faith, then he can do so. But I don't want to just assume that it is good for him."

This change in perspective has also extended to formerly taboo areas of life such as sexual orientation. Ajay (name changed), a gay man who has come out, points out that there is rising awareness among parents as compared to the past. Although that awareness hasn't yet turned into 100 per cent acceptance, the situation is improving. Ajay has met a few others of the community whose parents have even accompanied them to solidarity meetings. And with the younger generation of parents, things are only getting better.

Fundamental to this change is the realisation that even young children have an identity of their own and are capable of personal autonomy. Mayuri points out that even her grandson, who recently celebrated his first birthday, can't be forced to do anything he doesn't want to. "Although we give birth to them, they are still different from us. We can't try to live out our desires through them," she says.

The loving distance

Now doesn't that remind one of that fantastic poem by Khalil Gibran: "You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness; For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable."

Coupled with this realisation, there has also been a paradigm shift as far as happiness and satisfaction are concerned. In the previous few decades, stability at work and upward social mobility were most highly rated as factors contributing to success. Since the '90s, however, middle-class life has grown far more comfortable, and money has become a non-issue for many individuals.

Social mobility too has lost the charm it once held. In their place, satisfaction has become the highest priority. Thus you have individuals such as Darius Sunawala, who quit his M.B.A. course (in which he was almost at the top of the class) halfway through to pursue a career in radio. At first his parents were unhappy with his decision, but "it finally boiled down to the fact that I was unhappy in my M.B.A. and happy doing radio." His parents relented and let him follow his heart. "Nowadays," says Darius, "they even like to show me off." And now that his parents have made the first jump, all future ones come easier. When he decided to quit his job as Creative Director and RJ at Radio City and take two months off to figure out his career, his parents simply told him to take his time.

But such freedom is still beyond reach for a majority of individuals. Many generations of caregivers are still determined to be efficient producers of future labour rather than be good parents. However, things have begun to look up, even if just ever so slightly.

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