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What is it to be a man?

Disguised as a man, American journalist Norah Vincent explored the psyche of men. She has put together her experiences in a fascinating book

GENDER BENDER The book's fascinating parts are when the author spills her secret to the men she befriended.

Is ours really a man's world? Do men have the best of everything by keeping women carefully below the glass ceiling at home and at the workplace? Norah Vincent, an American journalist, decided to find out. In what is called immersion or embedded journalism, she dressed up as a man and infiltrated male bastions. She joined an all-male bowling team and a pitilessly exploited door-to-door sales group. She spent time at a monastery and a "men's movement" retreat. She became a regular at strip bars.

To us in India, anaesthetised by "Oh, not again!" kind of cross dressing in movies, what Ms. Vincent did looks like a dragged yawn. But this was no mindless comedy track. What the lady has recorded in her book Self-Made Man: One Woman's Journey into Manhood and Back is scholarly and authentic, if subjective.

Amazingly, not one of the men she moved closely with for 18 months caught her in the act. But the author had some in-built help for the project. She is tall, has really large feet and wears her hair closely cut. To this she added a tight sports bra, a pair of framed square glasses and a carefully applied five o'clock shadow. She lifted weights and took voice lessons to settle her speech into a deep pitch. She got herself a masculine wardrobe. She stepped out as Ned the writer to gather her material.

Tough act

The tougher challenge was acting like a man. She had to sport the right attitude; find expressions peculiar to men's circles, imbibe the cool distance men kept among themselves. She had to "fit in". What she thought Ned would be and what he was "among the fellas" did not always coincide. She was terrified to start with. There were bloopers in conversation. But with practice, Ned could have Incredible? Right. But wait till you hear what Ned observed and understood.

As a `man' in a man's world, the author found repeatedly that her theories about men were off the mark. She discovered that men weren't the happy conquerors, the MCPs women believed they were. Manhood did not come packaged in empowerment, as she had thought. It was questioned and challenged, by other men, women and even children. ("Are you a man?") Worse, men were trapped in a culturally concocted manhood, and never allowed to be themselves.

Men constantly had to prove their worth. Rejection was not easy to take, socially or professionally. In a place like the monastery, men suffered isolation and reserve, though they were carrying out their spiritual duties well. Their freedom to express emotions was taken away, leaving them hurt. "Being a man in charge brought with it a whole host of burdens and anxieties. Working stiff isn't any picnic."

When she dated and worked as Ned, the author saw that weakness in women was protected; in men, bludgeoned out. To her genuine surprise, she realised it was women who were phoney, who backstabbed all the time.

And women were hard to please. They wanted men to be protectors, "big and strong in spirit and body", guys who fixed broken machinery, checked out strange noises at night, stood up when there was even a faint hint of insult in the air. At the same time, they expected men to be subservient, make their every whim a reality. They wanted a guy to lean on to, with the proviso that he was aware of his "reduced place" in today's world. Women manipulated men, using their presumed moral superiority to advantage. Women were given more latitude. If they failed, it was "Oh, she tried hard." Men had it tough.

True, men came off better against the author's set opinions about them. But aren't we all in the same thinking mould? What we forget is this: we have a tendency to see the world through gender stereotypes, through our own faulty views based on the pain we have suffered in our relationships with men/women. Ours is gender-coded behaviour.

The book's fascinating parts are when the author spills her secret to the men she befriended. Thriller-like, they hold you breathless. You expect men to thrash her to pulp, but they take it unexpectedly well. After all, what she said and did was a lie and betrayal of trust. Once they overcame embarrassment, men across educational levels were ready to forgive. They became less reserved and seem to feel, in some way, relieved.

Great empathy touches Ms. Vincent's conclusions about life as a man. She discovers that phrases like "take control" and "show your guts" that she had heard from men worked in a lot of situations. So the one male advantage that still stands is mental fitness. At least the fitness they exhibit.

Well, her dual-personality existence, being on guard constantly while filing her perceptions, watching herself being someone else, took its toll. She finally cracked. During a fireside ceremony on a men's retreat, she asked one of them to cut her hand. "I figured if I could cut myself and bleed, then I wouldn't feel so bad about deceiving these people," she said. She spent time in a hospital before completing the book.

Serious study

What could have ended up as a shallow TV exclusive comes out as a serious study into the male psyche. It shines the light on why men do the things they do, why they are what they are, how they suffer from lack of role models. If widely read, it will help women to be less judgmental when confronted with what they think is unacceptable in male behaviour. Maybe it will start a necessary debate on gender relationships and perceptions.

GEETA PADMANABHAN

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