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Sister act in cyberspace

Gender Be it pregnancy, childbirth or miscarriage, more and more women are seeking succour from each other on the Net

PHOTO: ARUNANGSU ROY CHOWDHURY

Bonding This online sisterhood is not just about lending a shoulder. Sometimes, there is information that helps people take a decision

When Kavya, 21, lost her child in the eighth month of pregnancy, she was devastated. The doctor told her it was nobody's fault and that such things happened all the time. But for the rational Kavya, this was unacceptable. She had to know why it happened and discuss it objectively, without letting her emotions take over. That was when she found an unlikely friend — an online forum dedicated to pregnancy and childbirth.

Away from a grieving husband and shell-shocked parents and in-laws, she entered a world where women from across the globe got together to lend each other a shoulder to cry on. Within hours after she hesitantly wrote of her trauma and her apprehensions, this Delhi woman got five responses from people as far away as New Orleans, Sydney and Pretoria. Each message comforted and reassured her that there was hope ahead.

Kavya now has a child and continues to help others like her.

Growing numbers

Over the years, the number of Indians seeking succour online has grown. Young NRIs, bereft of support systems back home, go online to discuss everything from difficulty in getting pregnant to dealing with delivery blues to postpartum depression to weaning children.

And much of the advice they get is backed by solid experience. If a pregnant teen from Miami who has decided to keep her baby cries her heart out at a forum about the difficult choice she has had to make, at least 10 women, teen moms themselves, write back with their experiences; some sad, some happy.

Emotionally, there is not much difference between an African woman desperate to get pregnant and an Indian one.

This online sisterhood is not just about lending a shoulder. Sometimes, there is information that helps people take a decision. Shruti Roy, 36, who was diagnosed with poly-cystic ovarian disease (PCOD) and put on hormonal tablets, went in for another series of tests after reading up material on a website. Predictably, her tests came out clean. As someone who visits such message boards, she finds the solidarity here "interesting."

"I have been through three miscarriages; sometimes you have to cry alone. That way, these platforms help. When you know that there are others like you, you feel lighter and less unlucky. Also, the feeling that you are the one person singled out for this kind of punishment vanishes. The responses can also help people see things in perspective," she states.

Reading the posts on these message boards can leave you with a sense of euphoria. Take the case of a woman in the U.S. who was bleeding during her pregnancy. She was afraid she would lose the child, but an ultrasound picked up the baby's heartbeat at 10 weeks.

"There was such a sense of joy on the forum on seeing her post. It was like everyone understood what she was going through," adds Shruti.

Though some doctors are sceptical about seeking succour on the Net, others think it is in keeping with the times. Says Gita Arjun, obstetrician and gynaecologist who often writes for MetroPlus: "Women who visit these sites are looking for a group of others who have gone through a similar experience and are basically seeking sympathy and cyber-handholding. As a medical professional, I am all for this support. However, if anybody other than a doctor is offering specific medical advice, I would hesitate to endorse it."

Also, doubts arise if too much information can prove harmful in the long run.

Old-timers, who have breezed through countless pregnancies and miscarriages, say it is better when you know just what is required. "When you know a little too much about a problem, you start imagining you have it," says septuagenarian Usha.

"But, information is what helps you decide," argues Shruti. Something Dr. Gita agrees with. "There is nothing like `too much' information. Somebody going through a bad medical situation is desperate for all the information that she can get. The danger lies in getting unfiltered information that might be taken out of context or in the wrong perspective."

Generation thing?

Mythili, a middle-aged homemaker, wonders if cyber handholding proves that this generation cannot handle problems on its own. "They seem to need outside support for just about everything," she observes.

Doctors accept that people might feel the need to talk to someone other than a doctor, but say that since Indian society is not so isolated it is still possible to talk to family, friends or even a stranger on the bus!

As to questions if looking out for online help is reflective of the inadequate support system in hospitals, Dr. Gita says that sometimes schedules can play havoc with time spent with a patient. But, as doctors, "one of our important functions is to be empathetic and offer sympathy," she adds.

There is also a need for more support groups and counselling centres that can help out such women. Until then, they can find comfort in that someone is sitting in front of a computer and waiting to hold hands across continents.

SUBHA J. RAO

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