Metro Plus
Bangalore
Chennai
Hyderabad
A sandwiched lot
|
Parenting two generations at the same time can be a physical, financial and emotional wringer
|
They are the Indian version of Carol Abaya's Sandwich Generation. Women born in the 1950s and 1960s, now caught between caring for elderly parents/parents-in-law and meeting the demands of "me-only" kids. Parenting two generations at the same time, they admit, can be a physical, financial and an emotional wringer. The squeeze could dent the strongest of marriages. Some women manage it well, others crib constantly and still others walk out in frustration. What does it take to do this balancing act?
Agreed, it is convenient when grandma minds the toddler and grandpa nips across to collect grocery. But then kids grow and elders grow older and fall ill. Parents' worlds shrink, their long-drawn illnesses need physical care. And kids need emotional help as their horizons expand. Crankiness is common to both. Caregiver stress is compounded by life expectancy stretching into 70s and 80s. In the struggle for a sense of peace, where is the time for personal space? Can these women look back without a touch of regret for "what could have been"?
Package deal
Mala's (name changed) marriage proposal came with the caveat of "additional" responsibilities. I take care of mom and sisters, her future husband had warned. She had shrugged it off. "My mother-in-law helped when I had kids. My husband had a touring job. But it was a package deal. My sisters-in-law came to have their babies, one of them stayed on for two years. The house was a transit camp for relatives passing by."
From a small first home to a larger house in Kerala, and eventually the two-bedroom apartment in the city, the "cluttered nest" feeling never went away. "My mother-in-law would report every happening, every conversation to visitors. I had to have diplomatic encounters with her behind closed doors. Constantly on an emotional roller-coaster, if I flared up, my husband would never interfere, no matter how legitimate my grievance was."
Finance? "Touch and go. We had to buy clothes and jewellery for all the resident kids. My mother-in-law was bedridden several times and suffered temporary disorientation. It was a time of huge physical and financial strain. Family holidays and dinner outings were alien concepts. I couldn't visit my brothers in India and abroad." Did you rebel? "The thought never occurred to me."
Missed-out moan? Yes. Her son should have got more attention. And she too. The biggest grouse is she couldn't convert her toy-making talent into a trade. "I spent months helping my sister-in-law's son sell grinders from home."
The life of Uma, on the other hand, got hectic when her in-laws were hospitalised one after another. "I stopped working outside to run a large household. Cooking is a perennial affair, since the elders don't eat outside. They go with us on holidays. I can never be sure what will trigger their snide remarks. The bright spot is my husband's support. Over the years, I have gained enough control to call the shots." But her ambition to pursue music has remained a secret.
Guided by an inner voice, Prema deems it a divine dictate. She had to change gears to find personal space, but "I accepted it." Regrets? "Would only gnaw me. So I do what I can." Surely, there were complaints from both sides of the crush? "Innumerable! I trained myself to listen without reacting. I manage life on a situational basis. If mother-in-law asked me to read the Ramayana to her when the kid needed help with homework, the kid would win."
Psychologist Mohana tells you it's easier to tackle the younger generation. "The older ones are stubborn. They need their comforts but you need a life too. In the name of `adjust', too much is expected of you. When the house is crowded, the silliest of things get magnified. You're stretched to breakpoint. Learn to demarcate your physical space and guard it firmly."
GenNew's attitude
GenNew, however, knows how to slice through the sandwich. More realistic than their mothers, Aruna and Bharathi talk of the invisible LoCs that help broker peace. Aruna quit her job to gain control of her home. "My kid's grades plummeted and I thought my marriage would hit the rocks." She had a long conversation with her husband and took the drastic step of getting her in-laws to live separately. "I'll certainly look after them," she said, "but from a distance." Bharathi's in-laws know better than to argue with her. "I do what I have to and my kid is very fond of them, but there's no way I'll give up my life," she said.
In the middle of all this, the sandwiched generation, of whom 99.9 per cent are women, is quietly plotting to spare the kids of a similar future. They are mapping out their retirement so the kids don't have to. "The least we can do is to reduce their financial burden," says Bharathi. A planned living should allow them to get a comfortable room in an elite old age home if the kids choose to settle abroad. Sandwiches can have sweet fillings too.
GEETA PADMANABHAN
Printer friendly
page
Send this article to Friends by
E-Mail
Metro Plus
Bangalore
Chennai
Hyderabad
|
