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To work or not to work

Being a homemaker does the family loads of good. But once the kids grow up, you could pursue something you are passionate about, says APARNA KARTHIKEYAN

Do you think the average teenaged girl, when asked what she wants to be when she grows up, will ever tick the box next to `housewife'? Because being a housewife, homemaker or stay-at-home-mum (call it what you will) is neither `glamorous' nor `hot', neither `happening' nor `cool'. If any profession suffered from a bad image, it is most certainly this!

Homemakers are generally believed to inhabit a parallel universe — with a completely different set of concerns — none of which are considered `earth-shatteringly important' by their spouses or society. Small wonder, they're almost always apologetic to admit to being one and are usually ready with the `I plan to do something once the kids grow up' disclaimer.

But is it really necessary? Considering the enormous contribution they make to the family, why aren't they applauded or at least appreciated? Curious, we asked a few stay-at-home mums how they felt about it — fulfilled, frustrated or a bit of both? And would they recommend it? Oh, and in case you're worried if this debate is all about guilt-trips, women's lib and much finger pointing, rest assured, it's not.

Tough decision

Meenakshi Ananth says that she opted not to take up a job, since her husband travels often and she has two daughters to mind. "But when you're qualified, you do regret and feel guilty about not working," she admits. "Being a working mum is stressful," says Anupama Krishnan, who's taken a sabbatical after her baby. "It's like when you come back from work, there's just time for dinner before tucking the kid into bed." Quantity-time, she avers, is any day better than quality-time, especially in the formative first five years.

Saee Joshi, who has now taken a break from `consulting' to be with her son, agrees that in the early years, there is a significant value addition in children's lives. "However, in the long run, whether the mum being around will impact the child's capabilities is a moot point. Already, my son knows more than I do on a number of subjects — like sea turtles. And certainly, you cannot teach them everything... music, painting, basketball and cricket. So what value do you add beyond a point?" she asks.

Meenakshi blames it on the skewed marriage-market. "Everybody wants to marry a `professionally qualified girl.' But being able to work or not afterwards is dependent on the support she gets from her husband and in-laws."

"Both the work and home environment matter," says Anupama. "When both spouses earn equally, husbands tend to pitch in — or else, they wonder if it is worth putting in so much effort for so little return." But she admits there are times when it is actually profitable staying at home and looking after the kid. "There are child-care and transportation expenses, which are obvious. But there are many hidden costs too, like take-away dinners, brought-out lunches and of course, the work-wardrobe!" she laughs.

Agrees Meenakshi. "I don't think it makes sense to spend Rs. 8,000 on ayahs and cooks, when your salary is Rs. 10,000, just for that `I too am a working woman' feeling."

Saee reasons that for any intelligent woman to be a stay-at-home-mom long term is a bad idea. "If your intellectual companion is only your child (who is just a few years old) and a dead-tired-at-the-end-of-the-day husband, it will negatively impact your self-esteem. Moreover, in nuclear families, there simply isn't enough work to justify one person staying at home the whole time. And being dependent on a single income is clearly not the ideal security feature," says Saee. "Neither is being completely dependent on mum a great idea," concurs Anupama. "Housewives are simply taken for granted. Children of working mums tend to be much more independent," she maintains. "Unfortunately India is not yet geared towards workingwomen, as there isn't enough organised child-care," she adds wistfully.

But Saee feels that once children are old enough, "they can easily be fitted into mom's career, thereby improving mom's market value, self-esteem and competence."

The consensus

"Frankly, it's always the grass is greener on the other side kind of story," laughs Meenakshi. "Personally, till now, me being at home has done the family loads of good. But I feel everybody should, in the long run, do something they are passionate about — else, the empty-nest-syndrome will get them," she adds. (Since everybody knows the number of opportunities in the job market today, both full-time and part-time, we'll spare you the blah-blah on that!) Saee eloquently wraps it up, "To start off in life saying that all I will do is vegetate at home is just a waste of time, talent, potential money making opportunity.

So, get with it woman, and get a job. The baby is in college now."

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