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Made in heaven or hell?
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The launch of Rajendra Chenni's novel Mud Town saw a nuanced discussion on the institution of marriage
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PHOTO: V. SREENIVASA MURTHY
BONDED FOR LIFE? Shashi Deshpande, Rajendra Chenni and Ruchika Chanana at the function where Indian middle-class marriages were put under a scanner
As one listened to three speakers in an impressive hall at The Grand Ashok last weekend, a hall that had been used for countless wedding banquets, one couldn't help mischievously wondering what would happen if a pair of newlyweds wandered in there by mistake. Of course, this being Ashada, weddings are rare, but imagine for a moment a just-married couple dressed in their finery, redolent of flowers and perfume, overhearing with growing horror a detailed analysis of the possible fate of their joint future. Suffocating, mechanical, humdrum, empty — words such as these would have caused them to flee the place in panic.
The pillars of the redoubtable institution weren't exactly knocked down but at least received a few solid blows from those who discussed the topic Do Indians expect too much from marriage? during the launch of Rajendra Chenni's Mud Town published by Dronequill. In one hour the speakers managed to put forth a spectrum of perspectives on the vast topic. Author Shashi Deshpande presented a pan-Indian view; Anal Jain, senior management professional in the IT industry, focussed on small-town middle class marriages as depicted in Chenni's novel; and theatre person Ruchika Chanana spoke from the point of view of the young urban middle class.
Exaggerated importance
More than one speaker referred to the exaggerated importance that Indian films give to marriage. "All you hear is shadi-shadi maduve-maduve," as Deshpande put it exasperatedly. "There are so many things in life that are more important, fruitful, exciting." Chanana spoke of how Indian films romanticised marriage and created in many youngsters the false expectation that once they were married all problems would magically get sorted out.
But of course, it was a far from romantic idea of marriage that emerged from the discussion. Deshpande, in her usual no-nonsense manner, talked of marriage as a "useful" and "practical" institution created for procreation and inheritance. The pomp and ceremony of a traditional wedding masked much of the reality. "Behind the curtain, behind all those mantras and priests, cut-and-dry business deals are being made."
Marriage is a way of carrying out nature's plan, she said, and in this venture "Mother Nature is joined by Father Society" for it is a patriarchal set-up that we are part of. "Too much is expected out of women in marriage. Men are let off a bit more easily." There are also unreasonable expectations of eternal happiness from marriage. It is romanticised to such a degree that one expects the bond never to be broken, not only during this life but for every janam to come! "But human beings' emotions are incalculable," she said, welcoming divorce as "very necessary". She believed it to be "not a crime or a sin, partly a tragedy, but a hard option".
In the same vein, Anal Jain emphasised the unreal expectations of middle and lower middle class girls in small-town India who are exposed mainly to pulp and romantic fiction. "The very restricted environment that girls grow up in does not prepare them at all for marriage. They're not comfortable dealing with men who are not their fathers, brothers or cousins." As for the men, they are often yoked to women who are less educated and mentally incompatible. The most painful expectation is that of companionship. "Marriage provides a rationale for men to work, and work becomes an escape mechanism... I believe a large proportion of marriages is loveless and becomes a routine. Indifference is the worst thing that can happen."
When Jain referred to the lack of privacy where "everything is done in front of family and neighbours", and to the "suffocating, claustrophobic environment that these marriages have to survive in", it echoed Chenni's own description of small-town life. "Beneath the façade of normalcy and convention," he had said in his opening speech, "is a Dostoevskian world of emptiness and hatred."
After this heavy dose of bleakness, Chanana's remarks lightened the atmosphere considerably because they reflected the optimism of today's urban, new-middle-class young woman — an unmarried one, one might add! "Indians don't expect too much from marriage, but they always expect marriage," she said.
Different expectations
Drawing from the experiences of her friends she concluded that her generation expects "not more, or less, but different things" than previous generations did. In addition to the usual expectations of "fidelity, companionship, love" she chalked up "less responsibility, more fun, less struggle getting out of the marriage" to the list. "Marriage as security, refuge, or dependence on the man, these are not on the top of our list." And of course, girls want boys who are socially conscious and have looks, well-paid jobs, and child-rearing urges! On a more serious note, she observed that her generation could talk openly about conflict in a relationship unlike couples in the old days who used to ignore their problems in the hope that they would disappear.
Marriage might be "an abiding, strong social institution", as Chenni described it, but it also brings into question the "the severe limitations of human love", a point he wanted to explore in his novel. "Sometimes in these relationships you get the feeling you have been called into existence by someone else's imagination," he said. And "if unlove usurps the place of love" you feel oppressed by the imagination of the other. But if you are merely a script that someone else writes, the obvious next question is — what is the self?
Most people do not want to ponder deep questions such as these. Chanana narrated an anecdote about the well-meaning mother of a friend who was quite concerned that she (Chanana) was not getting married. She passed on some sound advice: "You just have to lower your standards"!
C.K. MEENA
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