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Comparisons? That's not fair

Why compare? Instead, identify children's strengths and encourage to develop them

It's that time of year when `jolly' summarily goes out of the window.

For, if one kid in the neighbourhood gets centum in his maths paper in the board examination and breezes through the entrance tests, life becomes the ultimate nightmare for the others. `Look at him! Can't you be more like him?' `Practise your maths! Otherwise you'll never score a centum like him!' Would you blame the kids for feeling crushed and pressure-cooked? There's no succour at school either — for, by ranking, comparing, contrasting, the school too sends out pretty much the same signal. "Everyone — doctors and educationalists — says, `Don't compare kids'. But, in reality, I guess every one of us does just that," admits Priya Dixit, mum and manager, hospitality industry.

But wait! It isn't just the kids who're weighed against their peers — it happens all through life — at work, at play, at home (remember the "Aduthaathu Ambujam" song?) And it feels awful, at any stage in life, to be told that one simply isn't as good/ as fair/ as tall/ as brilliant/ as talented/ as successful as somebody else.

Unfortunately, the whole system, academic and otherwise, revolves around peer-to-peer comparisons. Instead of exhorting kids to outshine their peers, comparing does quite the opposite. "It creates a complex in the child's mind, which later on affects his attitude and confidence level," says Prem Sai, actor. Shanthi Chandrasekar, IT Professional, feels parents tend to compare a little too harshly, especially when they're angry or unhappy with their child's performance. "The kid's self-confidence really takes a beating, especially if he's soft-natured," she reasons. Dr. Bharathi Visveswaran, psychiatrist, advises completely against comparisons, especially among young kids. "Children perceive it as criticism and rejection by parents and teachers, on whom they depend on so much." Low self-esteem, rebelliousness, jealousy and poor inter-personal relationships are all the potential fall-outs, warns Dr. Bharathi.

Trouble-shooting

Despite its obvious self-esteem-wrecking properties (won't you feel like an abject failure if you were always told you were not good enough?), it looks like comparisons are here to stay. Is it because we're so conditioned to compare and contrast or are we simply chary to try anything new? Or is it the highly impractical `motivational mantras' that are off-putting? Whatever be the reason, these simple, sensible pointers, by the expert and the experienced, should keep everybody smiling... how about trying them, instead of resorting to cruel comparisons?

"Appreciation," says Dr. Bharathi, "is the best way to motivate children, and is a reward in itself. Of course, it should, at no time, turn into flattery." Malathy Dhandapani, who has taught primary school kids in a leading school for well over two decades, also believes that motivating children brings the best out of them. "As teachers, we constantly assess the performance of the students. Telling them `I know you can do it, you're definitely capable' works wonders, while drawing comparisons would be disastrous," she says from experience. Priya points out that the power of positive words and its dramatic (positive) impact on the brain has been proven by research. She talks about how she subtly hints to her daughter to follow the example of her well-behaved older sibling. "Wow, anna is putting it back in place so he can play again later or so cute, anna is taking rest to become stronger certainly pays off," she vouches.

Shanthi points out that most comparisons are about schools, studies and results. And given that the `ranking' system is followed in many schools, it's hardly surprising! Most parents will be appalled if their child is ranked fourth from the last; grading, therefore, is the better alternative, says Malathy. "After all, only one kid can get the first rank and when you tell any child that he/she has got the 25th rank, it's de-motivating. But when they're graded, there is hardly any limitation on the number of students who can be awarded A+, and all of them strive to work harder!"

"But academic excellence is not the only parameter for success in today's world," says Prem Sai, adding that identifying a child's strengths and encouraging him towards realising them is infinitely better than goading him to do something he would rather not.

Teen troubles

Dr. Bharathi elaborates that adolescents really have to be handled with care. "They're already sensitive and confused, and comparisons are often self-destructive. At the same time, they should be equipped to face life." (Which, granted, isn't exactly rosy, not to mention unfair!) "Constructive suggestions for improvement, highlighting the positive aspects, keeping to the facts, without letting emotions like anger or disappointment come in the way really helps," says Dr. Bharathi.

Clearly, childhood experiences have long lasting effects. Dr. Bharathi explains that the foundation for self-confidence — which defines success later in life — is laid during childhood. "Those who've grown up in a conducive environment turn out to be mature, responsible adults; but those who've been constantly compared may end up as quitters," reasons Priya. An acute sense of worthlessness is all that remains from a lifetime of being compared. Frankly, if you're actually looking at giving your kid that extra edge, why not stop comparing altogether?

APARNA KARTHIKEYAN

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