Features: Magazine | Literary Review | Life | Metro Plus | Open Page | Education Plus | Book Review | Business | SciTech | Friday Review | Young World | Property Plus | Quest | Folio |

Parents, once more

Are today's grandparents tied down with the responsibility of taking care of their grandchildren?

PROJECT GRANDMA Contact with a loving elder enhances a child's emotional, physical and spiritual health

It is called "Grandparent Power" — a licence to spoil little angels. Grandparenting, it's said, is a fine way for the silver-aged to discover themselves in a society where there are few defined roles for older people. Elders can help children with their wisdom, experience and their long view of life. And promote intergenerational relationships. Be a vital connection between parents and kids. After all, they are family historians. They are indispensable.

The grandparent-grandchild bond is the purest form of human love, they say — unconditional and non-judgmental, given freely because the kid exists. It's the closest you can get to love without responsibility. Being a grandparent ensures mental and physical health. It fosters a sense of usefulness, empowerment and meaning to later life. Contact with a loving elder enhances a child's emotional, physical and spiritual health. It gives the child an idea of aging.

Sense of duty

Given the opportunity, grandparents should come forward to look after those impish two/four-year-olds. But do they want to? The answer isn't what the career-chasing, kids-in-the-daycare generation would like to hear. Yes, would love to take care of kids... up to a point. Baby-trapped grandparents admit on promise of anonymity they don't have the energy to change diapers or chase hyperactive five-year-olds. Sense of duty, said Mrs. Narasimhan, struggling to feed the kid of the daughter pursuing studies in the U.S.

Q: Would your rather be a parent or a grandparent?

A: Well, umm, can I think this over?

Trudging up the stairs, Mr. Balu wheezes, "Can you come later?" He is chasing his two young granddaughters, worried they might lean over the parapet on the terrace. By the time he coaxes the sweet-talking cherubs back into the apartment, he is a tired man. Grandma takes over, an even softer target for the pixies in pattu pavadai. More chasing, more coaxing. She gets them to pray, it's a puja day, tries in vain to make them eat less of prasad and more of rice and rasam. Grandpa has gathered them for school lessons when the daughter-in-law walks in from work. "Why are you in these clothes?" she asks sharply.

They had raised three kids of their own, so why are the late sixties couple Nataraj and Shantha bewildered by a kid of three? "But he's a handful," protests Mr. Nataraj. "His parents have just moved in from the U.S. and are IT employees. The boy is with us for nearly 12 hours, most of it awake. This first-floor apartment is too small for him. He insists on going down and we can't keep track."

Post-millennium kids expose their grandparents' inability to teach or engage them in constructive activity. Superannuated elders are being asked to learn skills (and board games) they never found necessary rearing their own kids. They weren't asked to teach the kids nursery rhymes, make them memorise 20 words starting with "s"! And the kid won't eat. When in the mood, he chooses between pasta and pizza. "I don't know how to make pasta to his liking," moans Shantha. "Why is he so averse to paruppu sadam?" The kid's mom instructs airily, "Put the food in front of him, give him a spoon and leave," before breezing out. Grandma objects. The kid doesn't eat his fill, throws it all over the place.

The worst is when she needs to go out, visiting family or the innumerable dos she gets invited to. "I can't attend lengthy family functions, plan overnight visits to temples or visit my daughter abroad unless the kids' parents take long leave. All this is telling on our health."

It's hard work

Like most grandparents, Sakuntala (not real name) had planned on taking her grandchildren to the park, spoiling them with presents, and leaving the hard work to the parents. And now, eight years later, she and her husband are helping their granddaughter with spelling and multiplication tables, buying her clothes, and enforcing her bedtime. "We were ready to make the leap from weary parents to doting grandparents," Sakuntala said. "Instead, we've ended up becoming parents all over again."

Stories like these are becoming more common every year. Today, thousands of working couples count on grandparents for the kids' parental care, discipline and support. So do divorced or separated moms. Sakuntala and her husband will tell you, bringing up kids isn't easier the second time around. "We have to worry about day care or babysitters," they said. "We felt overwhelmed and angry. We had to find ways to cope, refresh our child-rearing and parenting skills."

But then, there are also the ideal ones like Mr. Sasi Pillai. "I quit my job in the Middle East to take care of my grandchildren," he said. The two under-tens sit with patti for pujas, trek with grandpa on outings. "They follow our routine, fill our lives with joy," said Pillai. "It's how you take it." Management consultant SK has a "Project Grandpa" proposal. He and wife don't give up their social time or holidays abroad. "My son and daughter know we have a life of our own. If they want babysitters, they have to inform us beforehand. We need time for ourselves." Sakuntala feels nothing but motherly love for her granddaughter. "I don't resent being tied down anymore," she said. "She's one of our children, and that's the way it is."

For grandparents

Make simple routines and firm rules. Keep promises.

Play games, make drawings, read with them at night. Board games are a great activity.

Do allot time for yourself. Children learn to respect it.

Do interact with adult friends. If you have a hobby, pursue it. If possible, get the kid involved in it.

GEETA PADMANABHAN

Printer friendly page  
Send this article to Friends by E-Mail