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When rudeness rules

Don't behave like Hagar the Horrible at a restaurant. There's something called eating-place etiquette

It's an eatery on the tourist trail. A clean interior and a parking lot. At 8 a.m., you see satisfied diners emerging. And it's a buffet. You queue up and fill your plates with the choicest fare. Collect fresh coffee at the corner. Balancing the booty, walk back to your seat. But, hey, where is the seat? That boisterous family that just walked in has annexed the table you had marked for your leisurely repast. Find yourself in a crowded restaurant? A sight all too common in the city. You love the food and décor and don't want to try another. You prefer to wait. Even for 45 minutes.

No difference

In some eateries, reservations don't make a spoonful of difference. What do you do? You could kill time (and friendships) sending SMS, cast pointed glances at those who are enjoying the meal, chat with the spouse in this "found" time or go comfort shopping to cover the gap.

Call to book your table and you get this answer: "The restaurant (even a 6' x 12' space reached up a narrow flight of stairs) is open from noon to 3 p.m., ma'am." When you walk in at 1:30 p.m., the seats are taken. No matter. Slide nonchalantly down to the table closest to the waiting area. Stand and stare. If there's no place reserved for those standing, move in towards your preferred table. Your immediate need becomes clear to those who are forking in their kadai vegetable.

Is there an empty chair at a six-seater? Edge closer, turn it a little away from the table and ease in.

Look around, fix your expression to "innocent" and signal the waiter. Once the order comes, gently push the other dishes on the table aside, grab a serviette and begin to tuck in. No one is likely to complain: they have been shocked into silence.

You're a group of four and find two places of a table-for-four occupied? Try the faux polite tactic. Approach the two unsuspecting diners with a sweet "Would you mind?" and point to the empty chairs. Nod, smile, ask in a way they can't refuse. Then get the female members of your party to sit down and order. Vanish from the scene, but watch from a distance. Once the food arrives, materialise, grab a quarter plate, spoon in the food and begin to chomp — standing! You bet the couple will leave on the double. Did you hear them swearing never to come back? Just too bad. For them.

Dad, mom, daughter and grandparents squeeze around the six-seater and send son for refreshments. The teenager brings the first round and is immediately despatched for a second. When he returns, Dad commands: "Don't stand! Pull up a chair from the nearest table." Obedient son does, even though it's clear the occupant has gone to wash his hands.

A buffet arrangement has many advantages. You can start nibbling even at the queue. Stretch your throwing arm to snatch the last papad two dishes away. Breathe hungrily down the guy-ahead-of-you's neck and when it's your turn, take time to pick the cashews off the salad. It's a grabbing race with a million ways to make your eat-out evening a "successful" one.

"Hungry faces and restless kids waiting for their turn would surely make me avoid that restaurant," said Shyam Sekhar, who's into investment strategies.

"To me, the quality of the experience is important. I had this strange experience at one restaurant. They simply made a fourth guy sit at our table without even asking us."

Shyam believes many restaurateurs are yet to understand customer needs. For the prices some of them charge, the least they should offer is good service. He misses the famed Udupi hospitality. "They understand service much better than (some of the newcomers). At some famous old hotels, the food tastes great, plus chances of your having to wait are low." The current eating-out lifestyle should be matched by capacity growth, he feels. "My husband doesn't mind waiting but he has to contend with me," said Bharati Sekhar, PRO. "I've been an injured party — people peeping through the window, breathing into my plate. If there is a shopping area, I could look at the windows. Otherwise, I'd go home and order pizza."

Meanwhile does anyone run a course on eating-place etiquette?

GEETA PADMANABHAN

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