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A tightrope walk

Single parents have very little support from the rest of the society.

PHOTO: K. MURALI KUMAR

TENDER LOVING CARE Children need constant emotional reassurance from their parent

"Do a net search for single parenting resources and you will find it difficult to spot one Indian website," says Gopikrishnan, a single father of a five-year-old. "Single parenting is a growing reality, but there has to be services to help cope with it." Children need constant emotional reassurance from their parent and so, many single parents opt out of high-pressure jobs. Gopikrishnan left his banking job abroad to be with his son. "When he is back from school, I have to be home. Somewhere he fears that I might leave too."

With the single income it is difficult to get the services of a crèche or a baby sitter, so many end up depending on relatives or friends. Sujata Mody, a single mother of a 10-year-old, says that her family is helpful but constantly seeking help from her parents and siblings makes her feel "exposed or dependent." Some of the services like that of a car and a driver to pick up or drop her daughter from classes are essential, and they are provided by her parents. Sujata has been lucky, but she says, "Many parents speak about their children's single status as a weakness. Anyway, the society has already labelled you weak."

Prem Kumar, a 49-year-old father with a four-year-old daughter, has not encountered insensitivity or lack of understanding; in fact he says people have gone out of their way to help him. Widowed when his daughter was born, his friends were always around for him. But the widowed are treated with more care than the separated or the divorced, says Shyla Rao who conducts workshops for single parents. "The attitude to the latter is you made up the mess, now you clean it up."

Safe community spaces

"Services and resources, not sympathy, will make single parenting easier," says Sujata. The city, for example, lacks in safe community spaces, where children can be left on their own. Making children understand that theirs' is a family too, albeit different from the "happy ones" constantly flashed on the TV screen or stretched across billboards, is a challenge too says Sujata. "I have to explain to my 10-year-old that she, her grandmother and I are a family." Adds Shyla, "Being the sole decision makers, single parents are often under pressure to play their role right," says Shyla. "For instance, when couples separate, they worry if it is better for their children to be in the custody of one or be in shared custody," says Kesang Menezes, who conducts parenting workshops.

Says Shyla Rao quoting a mother (who does not want to be named) on the verge of separation, "Bringing up a child alone is difficult, but a single happy parent is better for the child than two hurt and hurting parents."

ASHA MENON

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