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Superwomen, super abused

Many bright, economically independent women pretend to have a perfect marriage even as they suffer daily spousal abuse

An upmarket apartment fitted with everything from a plasma TV to a designer kitchen, a Sonata in the garage, a sizeable team forming the household help, an enviable education, an equally desirable job and a spouse to match. One would consider such a woman truly blessed, living not just in the lap of luxury but also in marital bliss. Marital discord is quite unbelievable in such a "perfect" scenario, right? Minor squabbles? Perish the thought. Such base things are strictly confined to the illiterate and the poor, caught in a hand-to-mouth existence. At least, so it seems.

Reality bites

Unfortunately, reality bites. And many women, who could have come straight out of a TV commercial for a high-end product, can tell you horror stories of frequent abuse by their partners and families. Sometimes, a few high profile cases come under the media glare when the women speak up for themselves. But sadly, not many venture to do so for fear of stigma.

The Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act 2005, which came into force in October, 2006, has expanded the definition to include acts beyond physical violence to include sexual, verbal and even economic violence, abuse and threat of abuse (see box for details). The Act is expected to bring a whole lot of hitherto unseen and unheard of voices to the fore. While some women do speak up, most prop up a flagging relationship with a patina of harmony, even those in an upmarket, urban milieu. Many a superwoman suffers abuse — both physical and verbal — silently simply to keep a marriage afloat. Women married not to nincompoops but brilliant men on top of their career ladder. These women have education, career and, yes, the liberty to leave, yet they choose to stay put. The question that baffles many is: why? Is it security, society, money or the children? What keeps them in such marriages? More important, what prompts these men to behave so?

Gita, a biochemist with a promising career, is a classic case. Physical abuse from her drunken husband became a routine affair until the situation went out of hand and he stabbed her for suspected infidelity. That is when he chose to seek help for his drinking problem. "These accusations and abuse were confined to his drunken state. When sober, he would be extremely caring, filled with remorse for his actions," says Gita who chose to stay with him through the abuse. But was it love that prompted her to hang in there?

"Partly. I knew he cared but it was mainly the children. I didn't want to raise them in a broken home. But I also think we had a strong connection that was evident when he was sober."

Sulekha, a doctor, appears to stay in for totally different reasons. "It boils down to money and kids. I don't want to put the kids through the trauma of divorce. I tried to break away once and went through hell. I chose to come back as I felt it was best for them."

Unlike in Gita's case, Sulekha's spouse, also a doctor, is not an alcoholic but plainly insecure due to professional rivalry between them. "We tried talking things over, went in for counselling but it didn't help," she says. Sulekha suffers a similar kind of abuse from her spouse as Gita does. She "feels nothing" for him, she insists. "It is now purely a marriage of convenience." Software professional Rajeetha reflects a similar opinion. "The abuse never ends. It boils down to insecurity," she contends. Her accountant spouse is neither an alcoholic nor feels professionally threatened, yet chooses to abuse her. "The cause of his insecurity is unclear. Talking things over has not helped." As for Neelam, an economist, "It is a question of not caring enough." Her businessman husband, besides picking faults in everything she does, is "constantly suspicious and keeps tabs" on her movements. "At times, it can be extremely trying." She is "merely waiting for the children to grow older, so they will understand."

Says counsellor Ali Khwaja: "Typically, these women tolerate abuse under the mistaken notion that the spouse can be reformed through love. There is also the stigma of a broken marriage to contend with. In most cases, she tolerates such a spouse for lengthy periods, afraid to bring things to the notice of parents or elders. Eventually when things come to a head, she opens up, but by then it is too late. Her inaction in the initial years worsens the situation."

According to him, women are raised to play a subservient role while men are raised to dominate. "Observing dominating fathers adds to this," he says.

"Expectations from the wife too have altered and increased. Things get worse when the wife is smarter or more successful in her career. In most cases, it is the insecurity of having a more accomplished and not too subservient partner." He adds that the current highly competitive and insecure job scenario compounds matters, turning the wife into a safe punching bag.

Trained to adjust

To B. N. Sharada, a trainer and counsellor, it is "power without question" that prompts the male to abuse. "Society, with its currently assigned values for women, virtually gives sanction to such abuse. The woman is trained to adjust right from childhood. Support for her is not easily forthcoming. At times it is just the reverse, with the male's actions being justified as stemming from possessiveness." Economic dependence, which happens in most cases, compounds the issue, she adds. "Our society is also not tuned to assist single women with children."

According to her, parenting plays a crucial role in determining behavioural patterns. "Roles of men and women should be clearly defined for children. Acceptable and unacceptable behaviour should be made clear, and the female child taught not to cow down to abuse."

(All names and identities have been changed.)

* * *

The Act

The Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act 2005 will provide protection to wives, mothers, sisters, daughters and live-in partners who suffer physical, verbal, sexual or economic violence at the hands of male relatives.

Physical violence: Any kind of bodily harm or injury, a threat of bodily harm, beating, slapping and hitting.

Sexual violence: Forced sexual encounter, forcing a woman to look at pornography or any obscene pictures, any act of sexual nature to abuse, humiliate or degrade a woman's integrity.

Verbal violence: Name-calling, any kind of accusation on a woman's character or conduct, insults for not bringing dowry, preventing a woman from marrying a person of her choice, any form of threat or insults for not producing a male child.

Economic violence: Not providing money, food, clothes, medicines, causing hindrances to employment opportunities, forcing a woman to vacate her house and not paying the rent.

NANDHINI SUNDAR

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