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A serial pleaser?

Don't run yourself ragged trying to please everyone, says SHEILA KUMAR. Because you are not responsible for others' happiness or problems

IT'S OKAY TO SAY `NO' The moment you find you are being taken for granted, back off

A serial pleaser isn't someone who says `please' all the time. He/she is someone who is forever trying to keep everyone in his/her circle, kith and kin, friends and relations, even acquaintances, happy. All the time. An exhausting prospect yes, but you'd be surprised as to how many of us attempt to do just that, sometimes unconsciously.

Of course, it doesn't take a shrink to tell us that we'd rather everyone loved us than loathed us. Basking in the warm glow of affection beats dodging the poisoned zone of acrimony, any time, hands down. It lets us upgrade our self-image, boosts our confidence and helps the 24 hours of the day go past that much easier. It's part of human nature to want to contribute, in ways small or big, significant or innocuous.

And so, there we are. Ready to go out on a limb to do someone a favour, even if that involves a long trip out of town, precious hours wasted in trivial tasks, sometimes walking the thin line between what is right and what is not. We stand in queues for someone who lives far away. We run around booking hotel accommodation and arranging coach tours for a visiting cousin, three times removed. We work late so a colleague can do something vital to him/her. We take people out to lunch, we apologise endlessly for perceived slights even though we know we did nothing wrong, we don't argue matters of importance out simply to avoid a scene.

Mask of affability

The thing is, it eventually tells on us. There we are, stressed out; nerves on edge, tempers fraying, the mask of affability fast slipping. Because, even as we tell ourselves that we love doing things for people, there is a core of resentment building up, deep inside us. And one day, that pressure cooker will burst. Ultimately, the one person you should try and please, most of the time... you... are the one person you are neglecting.

Clinical psychologists report women seem to struggle with an innate serial pleaser syndrome much more than men. Women, it seems, are raised to accommodate others; they seem more focussed on making others happy, or attempting to. In fact, they present such a pliant image, they soon start to believe it implicitly, and think their more assertive sisters are aggressive or repulsive women.

This, of course, is just not true. You don't have to be a serial pleaser, male or female. However, you also don't need to come through as a self-centred, rigid individual. The trick is to walk the middle line.

Helping others is good; altruism has its own virtues, social and religious. However, if you find helping others is somehow intruding into your life, or is something you are doing for form's sake, just stop. Learn to say `no,' politely, firmly, however persuasive the person may be. Don't bother to give long-winded explanations why you can't oblige them. And if you are doing things for others just to gain their approval... stop. This is not the way to do it. If you are working extra hard to impress your boss, remember it's the quality of the work you do, not the hours you put in or the many projects you undertake, that finally tips the balance.

The sad truth is, many a time, willingness to go the extra mile is oftentimes taken for being a sucker. Hence, more favours are demanded of you, more work is dumped on you, and worse, people get miffed if you don't jump to their bidding. Being a serial pleaser is opening yourself to exploitation, overt or covert.

How do you know when you are being stretched to become a serial pleaser? It's when you carry this burning anger, resentment or sullenness, barely or well-concealed, all the time. It's when you feel you are doing all the giving and the world is doing all the taking. And it is, most tellingly, when you feel that despite all you do, you are just not appreciated enough.

How to get over it

Wean yourself from this addiction slowly. Put the weight of a serial pleaser down. Don't nod yes so fast and so easily; learn to adopt an expressionless face while you think things out. Reserve time for yourself. Learn to indulge yourself more. Speak up for what you want. Delegate responsibilities and tasks. Don't run around trying to cover for others; they have managed without you and will do so in the future, too. Make it clear to your bosses that you have a full workload and are doing full justice to it, when they come to offload more work on you; sometimes, it's not deliberate malice, it's just that they haven't realised the ground reality. When your instinct tells you something is not ethical or morally right, back off even if you know you will annoy people. The moment you find you are being taken for granted, back off. And finally, don't do all the favours all the time, ask favours of others, too!

The bottom line here is: you are not responsible for others' happiness or problems. So, jettison that needless guilt. Balance your life, balance those favours. Quit being a serial pleaser.

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