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What price feminism?

Women should use their freedom wisely and not jeopardise relationships in the name of equality, says GEETA PADMANABHAN

WOMEN ON THE SIDELINES? No longer

It began as a fight against sexist images of women in popular culture. Feminism then spread to challenge patriarchy, and finally to “raising consciousness”. Women were told not to follow assumptions: they had to cook, clean, change diaper s, watch sob soaps, stay within budgets, while men earned in the real world, got fat, threw their weight around and punished kids. Raise your voice against “women’s nature’ and “women’s roles”, they were told. You have nothing to lose, except your habits of thought!

In time, these changing equations went public. Women would no longer sit on the sidelines of life. They would have better health and childcare facilities, a place in the “political arena, economic self-sufficiency, freedom from male violence, divorce and workplaces free from sexual harassment”. Arts and literature would have their names. After changing the way womanhood is understood, feminists continue to gain ground for women’s political, economic, and cultural rights. Hurray!

But wait. Is the goal equality with men? Total freedom from them? Is this march for freedom and equality an unmixed blessing? Was Brigitte Bardot right when she said, “Women get more unhappy the more they try to liberate themselves?”

Some truth in that, feels Sudha Ramalingam, a lawyer involved in women’s issues. “Women are asserting their ideology, sexual perceptions. They expect to live in dream situations. Is that practical? As a daughter, she gets the first cup of coffee, but as a daughter-in-law she may not. The smallest irritation, the slightest provocation, is matter for serious discord. In the name of feminism, a lot of venom gets spewed.”

“Sunitha (not her name) put up with oppression from husband for nine years,” says Sudha. “You know, the ‘Provoked’ story. Legal action would have been easy in her case. But I asked her to e-mail her husband abroad quoting all the laws under which he could be prosecuted. I asked her to add that she wanted a discussion on the future of their marriage in the interest of their seven-year-old kid. This story had a happy ending.” Laws must be used fairly. Not to get at people or abdicate responsibility. Use law as a shield, not as a sword.”

In our anxiety to protect ourselves, aren’t we over-reacting, she asks. How come we don’t think of building bridges? Parents don’t consider employed daughters as burdens. Well-placed women are encouraged to react more aggressively. “Long and odd hours at work do not allow time for calm analysis of emotions, there’s no positive thinking. What we see is gravely negative behaviour,” says Sudha.

No way, says Ranvir Shah of Prakriti Foundation. On the other hand, women now take informed decisions. “I know at least four women who opted out of marriage to essentially good guys. ‘Boring,’ they said, ‘it cramps my style and space.’

For young people, being independent and being alone is now a question of habit. Call it empowerment of the mind space.”

“Freedom of the mind,” says artiste Anita Ratnam. “Where would we be if we didn’t pursue feminism aggressively, she asks. “Women need to feel they can go alone, rather than be caught in humiliating circumstances.” She had family support, she agrees, when she returned to India. “But I had a clear goal ahead of me. Women are capable you know, once they put their mind to it. Women do need to make tough decisions rather than allow themselves to be bull-dozed.”

What about kids? “Children do understand the circumstances,” says Anita. “Having kids doesn’t change things at all,” adds Ranvir. “There are open disagreements, discussions. Women’s assertiveness has to be acknowledged, encouraged.” How does he take it as a man? “Like a man!” he laughs. Yeah, his ego gets hit, tremendously. “But I work at relationships, through clear lines of communication. I accept, pay the price. Better than the façade of a happy marriage! The mechanisms for women to work out a life of their own do exist. It is happening, let’s recognise it.”

For support, women rely on sisterhoods, the peer groups they form. Bonding is the basis of their confidence. “Women are looking for emotional, intellectual dynamism. ‘I can live on my own, without compulsion’ is the feminist motto, which is not aggressive at all. Women now think of themselves as individuals, they are reaching out to create a space for themselves both in the private and public domain. Remember, women aren’t complementary wage earners any more.”

“I do not agree with the premise that women are losing out,” says Moushumi Ghosh, an IT executive.

“I have heard of people equating feminism with chauvinism! Women have finally got the courage to get out of abusive relationships.” But she agrees there is misuse of freedom. “Maybe tolerance levels are coming down. If something doesn’t work, throw it out. A disposable society! We look for instant gratification. Unfortunately, relationships have to be tended to and take time. There is the clash with the general mentality.”

“Let’s be more prudent and rational,” says Sudha. “We need a counselling apparatus in schools, colleges, work places and for home makers. Women networks have to talk about using freedom wisely. Why jeopardise relationships in the name of equality? At the same time, the male child should be educated to treat women with dignity. And recognise equality.”

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