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MULTI-TASKING MOM Women work a second shift while men tend to relax

A job that challenges her potential, two kids, independence. When Sunita dips her exhausted fingers in hand cream before flopping into bed, she should be humming happily in fulfilment. Is she? Not often, say two groups of researchers. Using very different methods of survey, they’ve come to the same troubling conclusion: In the 1970’s women reported they were happier than men. Today they have switched places. Women are less happy than their moms and grandmoms were, and the happiness gap between men and women has grown seriously wider.

Over the years, men have cut down on activities they consider unpleasant. They work less and relax more. Women, on the other hand, have taken on a ‘second shift’. Sure, household work is now less drudgery (who grinds on a stone?), women cook less and don’t dust often. (Dust and dirt affect women more!) But they don’t work less. Paid work fills the time off from household chores. They do different kinds of jobs, few of them really pleasant.

It’s a trade-off. When there was more discrimination, women had fewer ambitions. Now that there are better opportunities and huge careers, women resort to multi-tasking overkill. They don’t cross out items on their to-do list and find themselves staring at one that’s longer than their office commute.

A B-school graduate told a researcher that like her mom, she wanted a home, garden and well-adjusted kids. “But I also want to have a great career and have an impact on the broader world.” Unsurprisingly, women end up overwhelmed.

“I don’t know if I’m happy,” said Radhika Shriram, rushing to pick up her younger kid from school. “With mounting work and two growing boys, it’s a miracle I get through the days without event. I feel closer to normal at work. At home, my present concern is deciphering my teenager’s language.” She totally endorses one of the research findings: men enjoy visiting parents, women like it a little “less than doing laundry”. “Mom or mother-in-law, I have to share their work when I visit.” A busy newspaper editor mom admits being on frequent guilt trips. “Wish I could take my son for advanced computer classes,” she sighed.

Is this the age of the frazzled Superwoman? “Ambition is not a bad word,” protested a popular writer. “Working hard to achieve goals should never diminish anyone in any way.” But she’d like the surrounding culture to be more supportive. “Gender should have no role in division of responsibility between partners.” She questions the need to be “perfect”. “You are not required to be everything to everybody, and that realisation is truly liberating.”

So “women can do anything” is understood as “women can do everything?” Dr. Vijay Nagaswami, family therapist, gives the “juggling act” his treatment. “Women are beginning to realise that employment does not necessarily enhance one’s identity,” he said. “It adds to self-confidence and a feeling of independence, little else. Women juggling two work domains expend energy without the expected forward movement. The thought that the workplace is a panacea for what’s lacking in personal life has come a cropper. Women are actively downscaling their lifestyles and reinventing themselves, to accommodate their energy levels and aspirations.”

You mean she can’t be Akhila Srinivasan during day and Mallika Badrinath at home? Dr. Ram Gopalakrishnan, physician, and wife Dr. Meenakshi, paediatric ophthalmologist, have a prescription. Step one/two/three: A clearly defined division of labour. Dr. Ram takes the kids to their swimming lessons early morning, makes sure they have a balanced breakfast, drops and picks them up from school, helps with the homework, tucks them in bed. “He has done the bulk of the raising responsibility since the time I was an intern and a fellow abroad,” said Dr. Meenakshi. Talk of managed care.

Was her mom happier? “She regrets not going to work, not having the opportunity to know people and cultures. She feels she could have contributed substantially, gained self-confidence in dealing with the world.” Mom, of course, complains the daughter leads a frenetic life. But it isn’t a fatigued life. “I cook once a day - essential, not elaborate meals. I’m not a cleanliness or control freak. Of course, having parents nearby is a major blessing.” She takes regular breaks. “I spend time with a favourite cousin, go for a music lesson or a swim.” They travel as family.

“Set your priorities,” admonished Dr. Ram. “Professionally Meenakshi is very happy. I do minimum travel on work, don’t do evening consultation, avoid socialising. Work alone is not fun, not when you have kids.” Sure, he works longer hours, but “would love to work less.” Mmm… perfect!

Schedules crack, there’s extra work. “We cut back, compromise. We don’t say, “It’s my life!” We don’t push the kids to perform. If women learn not to be frustrated, if they learn to say “no” and to let go, why shouldn’t they be happier?”

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