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Photo: M. Balaji

Bonding For a lifetime

The Ramanathans have two daughters. The older Ramalakshmi, is a special child. Her sister Rajyalakshmi, 7, is all there for her sister and has been trained to take over her care when their mom is out of town.

Such harmonious co-existence did not happen easily. It took years of training. The relationship between siblings is often fragile and fraught with emotions. In homes where one of the children is special, parents have to work overtime. They have to first learn to deal with the kid, and also help the sibling come to terms with it. It could mean sacrifices and tears, but, the end result is well worth all the effort.

Poorni’s mom went through a lot to keep the kids together. And, today, she says that Poorni’s siblings are her most vocal supporters. “Even if I scold her, they are quick to tell me to be patient.” Priya Ramanathan says the trick is to never differentiate. “We treated them alike and told the younger one that akka can do only this much, and that you have to adjust. She now knows that her sister goes to a special school, and can’t help her with her homework like other akkas. And, when they fight, we don’t interfere.”

Is it easy to achieve that kind of normalcy? “No. It needs to be worked on. When the younger one wanted to go to a hostel like her friends, I asked her who would take care of akka. She should know what goes into her sister’s care,” says Priya, who runs a school for special children.

Girija Iyer’s older son Rajesh is schizophrenic. While Rajesh goes to a training centre where he has learnt to fend for himself, younger one Girish, who used to be scared of Rajesh’s mood swings as a kid, is an auditor working abroad.

Initially, Girish used to be distraught wondering why his brother was constantly quarrelling with him. “But, once I told him his anna was like this because of a problem, he understood. Now, when Rajesh has a mood swing, Girish tells us to let him be,” says Girija.

At one stage, the family had to move to Pune leaving behind Rajesh at a rehabilitation clinic in Kerala. “I sorely missed him then,” recalls Girish. “After he came to Pune, we became friends, and I would take him to the movies. And, every night, he would stay up till I got back from work.”

This kind of relationship takes a while to establish. Agrees K. Sankararaman, Vice-President, SAARATHY-PAMMAC, an association of parents of children with special needs. “The important thing is to not discriminate between the kids. And, never emphasise the ‘responsibility’ of the normal sibling. That way, they might tend to look at the special kid as ‘excess baggage’,” he says.

And, the special child must be given enough avenues to express his/her ability. That way there is more equality in the relationship.

Psychiatrist D. Srinivasan says that it is equally important to focus on the needs of the normal (younger) child, who is forced to assume a role not usually expected of him. “The role reversal can take time to happen. So, involve the normal child in the care of the special sibling,” he advises. The attitude of the peer group also matters. Children can be cruel at times. They could taunt a child about a special sibling. And, the child can react badly, taking out that frustration on the parents or the sibling, warns Srinivasan.

“There used to be a time when a special and normal sibling were kept away from each other. Now, families are more accepting. But, it needs effort to build an emotional and sensory bond between such siblings,” says S.S. Jayalakshmi, a pioneer in integrated schooling, wherein normal and special children study together.

Girija has managed such a bond between her sons. “For whatever happened to him, Rajesh is anna to me and I respect him. I am also very particular that I will only marry a girl who accepts anna,” insists Girish.

No one sums it better than Anil, who is doing his engineering at a premier institute, and whose brother is a slow learner. “Why should our relationship be any different?” he asks. “He’s my brother. Period.”

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