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It’s trendy To air kiss

Which, goodness, leaves us all with a little more than a week to magic a lovely, shimmering, exceptionally slimming outfit; book a table in that uber-chic hotel, where, the word is out, that there are none available for love or money; make an elaborate list of politically correct New-Year resolutions, which nobody gives a fig about after the 2nd of Jan anyway.

And, most importantly, practise saying “Dahling, you look so luvhly! Mwah-mwah.”

Yes, you read that right; it is mwah-mwah.

Mwah, we’re given to understand, is that awfully funny sound that accompanies the so-nouveau, so Page 3 way of greeting acquaintances – the air-kiss, in which near-complete strangers walk up to each other, rub-cheeks, pucker their lips and go mwah-mwah in the general direction of each other’s ears.

Oh you surely must’ve seen it – women are always air-kissing in those arty English movies, as they often do, apparently, in the streets of France; it is, we’re told, fairly de-rigueur at beauty pageants, fashion shows and in the rarefied, upper echelons of society… And now, for some strange reason, its all the rage in modern India, where, until recently, the only accepted forms of greeting were (a) falling at elders’ feet (b) folded-palm salutations (c) hurried hand-shakes (d) and if you were really hip, a barely-there hug. Whoever thought that air kissing would take this warm-yet-reluctant-to-express-it-physically nation by storm?

Now, if the very thought of air kissing gives you the heebie-jeebies, take heart…you’re not alone.

(I, for one, am horrified whenever I spy a lady approaching me with arms outstretched, neck extended, lips pursed…I know what’s coming next – the noisy mwah-mwah’s, the awkward cheek-bumping, the occasional head-collisions…

Frankly, I’d give an eye-tooth to simply vanish from the scene!)

The habit is, oddly, far more common between women than men, though, of course, the opposite sexes have also been known to mwah-mwah.

But, if you thought air kissing was an innocuous, straightforward procedure, perish the thought! It is a ‘social minefield’ (as a write-up in The Times, called it) and nobody is quite sure as to the correct etiquette.

The Romanians kiss just twice, while the Dutch do it thrice, starting with the left cheek; just picture the scene – when a Romanian meets a Dutch, the former draws back her neck after the second kiss, while the latter remains waiting for the third that never comes! Why, there is supposedly a lot of dissension even within France as to the number of mwah’s, depending on the region (it varies from 1 to 4).

And when the French, who practically invented this whole la-di-dah thingy, are not quite sure how to go about it, what chance does the rest of mankind have?

So, instead of trying to de-mystify the impossibly complicated art, we will leave you with this very practical piece of advice to get you through the New Year parties, without having to sniff anybody’s ears, or, for that matter, their pungent musk-with-an-undertone-of-patchouli perfume…

Here’s the deal - the moment you see someone approaching you with an mwah-mwah air about them, just run in the opposite direction!

Trust-me, you won’t regret it…

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