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IT’S DAD’S TURN THESE DAYS Men are increasingly getting involved with raising kids

In just a generation, the equation has flipped. Wife works, credits a salary to be proud of. Want a family? Pitch in man, be there all the way. Start with the labour room and graduate to singing lullabies. It’s happening. Guys are taking on tasks their fathers resolutely avoided. And are having a great time.

Been there, done that Koushik Sekhar, investment advisor with flexible work timings, has kids aged 3 and 1: “Since parents weren’t able to help, I have been more involved in the kids’ life since their conception! During both pregnancies I was with my wife for all doctor’s appointments and at the hospital during delivery. I do a lot of things such as giving kids baths, changing clothes, feeding, taking care if they wake up at night, giving them medicines, going to their school, telling stories, teaching them games, explaining many things constantly.”

Arun Jethmalani: “I enjoyed looking after my kid from 0 to 4. I had a home business and the wife had a full-time job. I did the works — changing diapers, boiling water, washing bottles, and, when help was absent, fixing baby food. I was around from the day he arrived. I did the bathing too, I just chose to do it.” Everything except nursing, said techie Mahesh, dad of daughter, aged five, and son, ten months.

About 10 years ago, when his wife passed away, Mr. Natarajan, CFO of GRT turned mom and dad to his teenaged daughter. “My daughter is a cool person. From day one, we’ve been friends,” he said. He has been “learning Gen Y lingo for effective conversation. There isn’t much we don’t discuss. I think she is level-headed because I don’t watch her all the time.”

The “babying” years were the “most relaxed time of my life,” said Arun. “I would pick up the kid in the middle of the night and carry him around till he slept. He is 14 now and we are very close. He used to bawl if I went out. It was work without deadlines.”

Kaushik has had “a high level of bonding with my son who is 3. I think till the kids are 12-15 months, the nurturing role is larger and hence, mom’s role is larger. When they start exploring and asking questions the father’s role can be as much as you want it to be.”

Kids may be a tad formal with dad, feels Natarajan. “With moms there are no barriers, there’s 100 per cent trust. My daughter once said her mom instinctively knew what she wanted. Yet, I’m sure men can do it very well.”

“Men are capable of raising kids from scratch,” said Arun.

“Sangeetha took time off for the second kid; she said she didn’t want to miss the fun. We don’t open ourselves to that option. This is because of our culture. In India, men don’t even serve themselves food. But it’s do-able.”

Why not, asks Bhooma Parthasarathy, Director, TP Trust. “Life is a lot easier now. Schools have day care centres. Super markets sell cut fruits and vegetables. In cities, you can have the luxury of home-made food catered in. Of course, a good maid, grandmother or aunt around would be helpful. After all, women discipline children better.” She isn’t sure if men can handle the school years. Would they understand child psychology as well as women? What about travel? Social life? But she’s open-minded. “I think man deserves the chance to take custody of his child. It would be worth trying man as mom.”

Do the courts see it that way? “Under normal circumstances, the mother is granted custody of children who are of tender age,” said a divorce lawyer. “The ability of the parent seeking custody to spend quality time with the child is examined before granting custody, which normally works against the intentions of a busy professional.” It’s a rare dad who gets to keep the kids. “His financial superiority is not necessarily a sole ground for it,” the lawyer said. How do men prove they can be good moms?

Kaushik concedes the man-as-mom model might not suit everybody or every marriage. “For one, most people don’t have control or flexibility over their time. Also, to take on a larger role in raising kids, men must have a more feminine aspect to them or at least be comfortable with their feminine aspect.”

For Natarajan, it’s investing in a relationship. “I took leave during her exams. I consult her for my shopping. I have done my best. But no one gives me credit!”

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