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When friend turns foe

PHOTO: SHAJU JOHN

HAPPY MOMENTS They create harmonious parent-child bonds

A parent-child relationship is one of the most beautiful relationships in life. Parents love their children deeply and want the best for them. . In their anxiety to make this happen, they sometimes use the rod or resort to harsh punishment if the chi ld makes a mistake or disappoints them or deviates from the norm. And this can sometimes signal the beginning of a rift in the relationship. The child finds it hard to forgive the parent and harbours unpleasant memories all through life. What goes wrong and where?

Ask Vijay Nagaswami, psychotherapist, relationship consultant and author, whether children forgive their parents when they are severely punished or disciplined and he says: “It depends on how severely they are punished. Why is forgiving so difficult? Continues Dr. Nagaswami, “For one thing, children easily detect parental hypocrisy. When they realise their parents are habitual rule-breakers (guilty of bribing, lying, etc.), yet punish them for dishonesty, they feel the punishment is unjust. Parents also tend to punish children more for academic and opposite-gender relationship issues, which the children don’t necessarily see as warranting severe punishment.”

Says Shekhar Seshadri, Head of the Department of Child Psychiatry, NIMHANS, Bangalore, “Enduring experiences form enduring memories. If the enduring memory of childhood is one of severe punishment and a life without joy, attachment, security or affirmation, it causes relationship tensions. Lack of forgiveness is one aspect of this phenomenon but more often it is about disaffection and cynicism about families as nurturing institutions. Many children are spanked once in a while or chastised but if they sense the respect of their parents and the family experience is overall joyous, it balances the unhappy moments.”

While constant and severe punishment can be one of the reasons for a child not to forgive his parents, what adds salt to his wounds is the fact that he perceives the punishment differently from the parents, and worse, the circumstances surrounding the punishment makes him feel humiliated.

Dr. Nagaswami substantiates, “If a child is severely punished for copying in an exam when all his peers are doing it, it’s difficult for him to accept it as being fair. Publicly ticking off a child makes matters worse, particularly if the ‘public’ in question is the peer group.”

Says Dr.Seshadri, “Occasionally, a child may be distressed not so much because the disciplining or punishment is severe but because it is not fair or it is socially humiliating.”

And the ultimate blow is when the parents themselves are divided about the punishment meted out and one of them or the family members take sides and accuse the disciplining parent of being too harsh.

“When children receive mixed signals from parents, they perceive punishment as unwarranted. When the father boasts about his business success, despite being a low achiever at school and takes the child to task for academic under-achievement, the child receives a mixed signal. Sometimes, punishing a child for a first offence is unacceptable. Children need a second chance,” feels Dr. Nagaswami.

Says Dr. Seshadri, “The relationship of parents with their children is usually based on instruction, expectations and control, not on a culture of discourse. Most parent-initiated communication thus tends to centre round expectations. The child’s individuality is not recognised. Sermons about discipline abound when the parents’ expectations are not met. If there is a free exchange of ideas, feelings, experiences and decisions, then disciplining is not really required.” So what can parents do to avoid permanent damage and a breakdown in communication after a child is punished severely for an offence?

Dr. Nagaswami suggests: “Rationally discuss with the child the nature of the offence and its implications. Never mete out corporal punishment, for it never helps. Displaced anger and frustration don’t help the child-disciplining process.

Have realistic expectations and do not expect the child to live out one’s own dreams. Seek professional help if a pattern of offences keeps repeating itself.” Dr. Seshadri suggests ways to handle child problems — “clarification, discussion, reflection, inviting the child to plan rectification/ retribution processes (foregoing or withdrawal of a privilege), and clarifying the rules for acceptable/unacceptable behaviour. Most children respond positively to such an interactive process.”

Is disciplining or punishing wrong? What is permissible and what isn’t? Are there any gender-related criteria when it comes to meting out punishment?

“No, disciplining is not wrong. It is only through disciplining that the child learns ‘frustration tolerance’. However, punishing indiscriminately, merely because one wants to be a ‘strict’ parent, has no role in child rearing. Rational communication is always better than angry punishment. The punishment should always be appropriate for the offence committed. Corporal punishment is best avoided. Whatever the gender of the child, disciplinary measures should be the same. Parental consistency and predictability are vital, emphasises Dr. Nagaswami.

Rational discussions with children help

Avoid corporal punishment

Never vent displaced anger/frustration on children

Have realistic expectations

Clarify rules for acceptable/unacceptable behaviour

Invite the child in planning rectification

Seek professional help whenever necessary

Disciplinary measures should be the same, irrespective of gender of the child

Parental consistency is vital

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