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Just do it your way

Photo: Murali Kumar K.

LEAD THEM GENTLY Encourage two-way communication

Like all relationships, the parent-child relationship also has a lot of give and take (read as take almost nothing and give almost everything) and as the years roll by, the initial thrill of holding those tiny tender fingers, or watching that toothle ss grin, slowly give way to encounters rife with disagreements, sore throats, tears, comparisons, decisions that seem un-convincing, often leaving parents with nagging questions, indecision, doubts, fears, even guilt.

While all the Dr Spocks books and other parenting guides can give you part solutions to tackle your child who is a fussy eater, or the best approach to toilet training, we as parents would do best to understand that the set of circumstances that you and your child are in, are unique; which is why your neighbours decision can’t be applied in your case.

But many decisions are not easy, and they come at a price. Ashwini Shridhar, working with a software behemoth, and mom of a three year old, recently got admission into one of the premier B schools in India. The initial thrill and excitement was followed by some intense reflection with hubby Ashish. She says, “After some deep thought, we figured that you really can’t be a parent and a full time student at the same time — you won’t do justice to either. So when I had to choose, I chose Ved (her son).”

So while some parents make big sacrifices and willingly at that, there are other young couples who are putting away the ‘parenting bug’ as much as they can. Santosh Belani, an architect working in Bangalore has been married for the last three years, but says that the thought of starting a family is scary and overwhelming. “For now, our mastiff is more than enough substitute for a baby!” she laughs.

“A decision such as who the care givers for the child would be during work hours, or even doing a late night at work, has me putting in so much of thought,” says Saritha Roy, a young mom of a one year old. “I’m sure this is only going to get tougher as the years go by, when she has an opinion of her own and has the right to air it!” she laughs.

Says Rani Mathew, who gave up her job as a teacher to be a full time mom, and is now a grandmother of four, “When a nine year old rambles on about the seemingly ‘insignificant’ happenings of the day at school, the parent needs to be an active listener. This encourages a healthy two way communication, and for me personally, that has been the foundation of the strong bonds I share with my children”.

Says Alice Leen Jacob, a mom of three teenagers, “The roles of parents have surely changed, no doubt from the last generation and coping with advances in technology such as the TV, the Internet, gaming, is the toughest part, especially with teenagers.”

Fr. Ittoop Panikulam, counsellor, psychologist and author, says there is a sure shot suggestion to tackle ‘parenting uncertainties’: “In all moments of doubt, you need to simply take a little time off and listen to the voice of your heart. That can never be wrong.”

It’s a myriad of questions, debates, discussions and decisions that are part of the dynamic relationship between a parent and child. And whether its explaining to your three year old that the hole from which babies come is not actually the belly button, or your reaction when your 10 year old tells you he failed the Maths exam, firstappreciate that your situation is unique to you and your child; and then in the peace of a few reflective moments with your spouse, listen intently to the voice of your own heart.

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