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Stitch it smart

Convenience More urban, young people break away from joint families

One slick, black line called — independence, space, freedom and non-interference; all inspired by new-age ideas and modern thinking. Another equally slick, equally dark line called expectations (built up over the years) — emotional, financial and physical support and constant companionship in the sunset years — all inspired by our culture and tradition.

Neither wrong, both lines can run in parallel, forever — as stark, as dark. Should they meet? Can they meet? Will joint family set ups only be a part of television sagas? Can it be that this transitory generation onwards there will only be nuclear families?

“The joy of making these two lines converge far exceeds the heartburn of initial adjustment that inevitably needs to be surpassed!” says Rani Mathew, a grandmother, who lives in a joint set up. Of course, it needs sacrifice from both sides – married children need to understand that parents are not necessarily interferences in their life; and we as elderly parents, need to accept that our children have grown up, have families of their own and will definitely have their own needs of space and independence.” She adds: “As an extended family, we work to ensure that we enjoy the benefits of inter-dependence – it can range from helping out with bringing up the grandchildren or have my son drop or pick me up from a friend’s place,” she adds.

In stark comparison, Mekhala Rao, a young married working professional, based in Australia for the last decade, working as an e-learning consultant says: “I personally feel that nuclear families are the future. I earlier belonged to a small three-legged nuclear family comprising my parents and myself. Although our relationship is very strong, we were definitely hard-pressed for human capital.” Now living in a nuclear set up she says: “I see more urban, young people breaking away from joint families for privacy and less interference, valuing their independence than their inter-dependence. If I had a choice I would love to share a roof or a kitchen with my extended family — but just for a short alternate experience!” she laughs.

Says Aparna Vinod, married for the last three years now, also living in a nuclear set up: “I grew up in a nuclear set up with a different twist – we lived in a colony where all the families were extremely close. So I could walk into my neighbour’s house for a meal if I did not like what was cooked at our place! However the flip-side to this was also that everybody peered into the others life, leaving some unpleasant experiences.” , In retrospect, she thinks that “living in closeness, with your extended family may have more advantages, though one would need to sacrifice ‘space’. I guess the joy and learning that one derives from sharing, talking and giving, helps mould a person for the better in many ways.”

Premila Menezes, works as an HR consultant, married for the last few months now, and a strong “nuclear” advocate says: “Having grandparents around is lovable and enriching, but I feel it needs to happen at a later stage — when the couple in question have had the chance to learn each other, have given enough space to let the other’s personality grow and most importantly, to have had the time to be physically alone with each other — especially for the first few years after marriage.” She adds laughing: “It’s really hard to adjust to one person’s quirks and eccentricities and to have to adjust to the quirks of an entire new family would really take a toll.”

She is also quick to add: “Despite this, Pravin (her husband) and I have considered the fact that his parents or mine would need our help as the years go by. We’ve invested in an apartment in the same apartment complex as my in laws and geographically, not very far from mine.

This way, we’re also close enough in case of an emergency or for the much required company on a lonely day, while we also have our own space!”

In the end it is good to realise that there will be two lines — both distinct, both different, with very diverse emotional needs, psychological make-up and varying expectations.

Family business

Young married couples need space, independence and freedom

Inter-dependence needs hard work with a lot of sacrifice, give and take

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