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Boys don’t cry

PHOTO: AP

HANDLING GRIEF Men and women have different mechanisms

Man or woman, coming to terms with the loss of a loved one, is not easy. And, years of societal conditioning and the mental and emotional make-up of the sexes complicate matters.

So, how do men and women handle grief? Vijay Nagaswami, psychiatrist, relationship consultant and author, elaborates: “Women tend to express their emotions more easily and readily in any situation. Men, on the other hand, tend to discharge their emotions in a more controlled manner and over a longer period of time, and sometimes in slightly disguised ways.”

The emotion is the same — whether it’s the loss of a spouse or child or parent — says Sujata Ramanathan, head, Department of Sociology, Stella Maris College. “But, there is a difference in the manner in which the genders cope” she notes.

And then, there are unwritten rules that tend to be followed. Ennapadam S. Krishnamoorthy, senior consultant in neuropsychiatry, VHS Hospital and St. Isabel’s Hospital, points out that “society expects men to be more restrained”.

This pattern shows up even when the bad news is first broken. Says Anand Ramamurthy, consultant, Centre for Liver Disease and Transplantation, Apollo Hospitals: “Women tend to break down, but more often than not, men react to news about death with stunned silence. Denial is common in women, who find it hard to accept the truth, while men display resignation.”

Explains K. Latchumanadas, senior consultant cardiologist, Madras Medical Mission: “Men try to look at the event logically, and make an attempt to find out what happened. They also believe they have to be in control. Besides, they don’t know how to ventilate.”

The bottomline, according to Dr. Krishnamoorthy, is that “both genders cope eventually, but in different ways”.

Is it any easier for women because they can talk about their feelings and seek support systems? Dr. Nagaswami concedes that “women do find it easier to talk about these matters, but they don’t necessarily have more support systems. For instance, a woman may have a good cry in the company of a very close friend or relative and feel better, while a man may go out for a drink with a really good buddy and talk about everything else, but still feel good, for both are in touch with the subtext.”

Stressing that support systems are available in equal measure to both genders, Dr. Sujata, says “women utilise them more easily and willingly than men.” Yet another critical factor is the way people choose to drown their sorrows. “Some go out and get drunk. A few may go out on a shopping spree or bury themselves in work. And, there are those who grieve by staying focussed on the cause of grief — they deal with the situation best,” explains Dr. Nagaswami.

Adds Dr. Ramamurthy: “Some bereaved men could even avoid coming home. Or, if they didn’t spend much time earlier with their children, they may do so now — a trend more pronounced in nuclear families.”

Time is the great healer and coming to terms with any loss depends on the degree of attachment to whoever has passed away.

“The more intense the involvement, the longer the grieving. On an average, it might take between a year and five years for people to come to terms with the loss. But, women’s grieving is more easily expressed and shared and takes place over a shorter duration than that of men,” says Dr. Nagaswami.

Typically, people handle death from terminal illness better as they are mentally prepared for the worst, reasons Dr. Ramamurthy.

Is it harder when the man loses his spouse? “Not really” says Dr. Nagaswami. “If the couple was really close then the gender of the survivor makes no difference to the intensity of the experience of loss.” .

Understand that some of our near and dear ones will precede us

Celebrate the life of those who passed on by supporting a charity in their name or honouring causes they believed in

Engage in purposeful activity rather than brood

Meditation and prayer provide strength

Choose to spend life-after as the beginning of a new chapter

Boys should be told its okay to cry

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