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Love, not romance
ARCHANA RAO-DCRUZ
The article “Romance and the Indian woman” (Open Page, March 16) touched on the dilemma faced by countless women at some point in their marital life, notably in the early years of motherhood. This is a particularly tumultuous phase in a woman’s life, where the joy of motherhood is often coupled with a slowdown in personal and professional life. Added to this is the lack of time and energy for physical maintenance, leading to many young mothers feeling utt
erly non-confident about their personal appeal.
At this juncture, women feel a strong need for attention from their partners, generally voiced as a need for romance. This need for romance is most often merely a heartfelt plea for appreciation and support at the time of emotional crisis, from the person they are closest to. Husbands, caught up as they are in the rough and tumble of their own career, dismiss this call either as a silly whim or interpret it as an attack on the role they play to sustain the family. After all, they argue, the time they spend at the workplace is for their family — to ensure financial stability for them.
Transition period
Fortunately, this phase is merely a transition period in most marriages. Over a period of time, the situation changes as children grow up, the wife’s personal and professional life accelerates once more and satisfactory solutions are worked out between the couples. Most marriages which manage to cross this rough patch stabilise and adjust to the new dynamics.
This painful transition phase can be eased if the couples accept the basic premise that the two sexes communicate in a different manner and make an effort to bridge this great sexual divide.
Men need to realise that for women verbalisation and demonstration of love and appreciation is extremely important. Housework and motherhood are tough but thankless jobs — no pay, no perks and certainly no promotion.
In this scenario, an acknowledgement of the crucial role played by the wife would go a long way in raising her motivation and morale. Appreciation need not take the form of red roses (welcome though these may be!) It could be a public compliment, an outing to break the monotony of the 24x7 job or even babysitting for a while so that she can take a breather.
Many forms
Women, in turn, must abandon their preconceived notions about love and romance. They have to understand that demonstration of love can take many forms. They must learn to recognise its presence in their lives, in whatever manner it may exist. An insurance policy that provides for a family’s financial security is as sure a sign of love as a candlelight dinner, and a much more substantial gesture at that.
As the more effective communicators, women must ensure that they communicate their needs to their partners verbally and clearly. In most cases, I am sure they would appreciate it.
Men are, in many cases, notoriously unsusceptible to hints and vibes.
A poor solution
As for seeking romance outside marriage, it is a poor solution to the entire problem. The subterfuge and lies involved in maintaining this involvement (assuming that the wife wants to keep the marriage intact) would turn the romantic liaison into a sleazy, tiresome affair in no time. And if she walks out of the marriage, what is the guarantee that this relationship too will not end up in the same rut, given enough time and familiarity.
A lasting and satisfying marriage involves effective communication, absolute commitment and endless time and energy from both partners. As do all relationships between two individuals.
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